Westward Ho – Act Three, Scene Two

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Enter TENTERHOOK, SERGEANT AMBUSH, and YEOMAN CLUTCH.

TENTERHOOK
Come, Sergeant Ambush, come Yeoman Clutch; yon’s the tavern. The gentleman will come out presently. Thou art resolute?

AMBUSH
Who I? I carry fire and sword that fight for me, here and here. I know most of the knaves about London, and most of the thieves too, I thank God and good intelligence.

TENTERHOOK
I wonder thou dost not turn broker then.

AMBUSH
Pew! I have been a broker already, for I was first a puritan, then a banquerout, then a broker, then a fencer, and then sergeant. Were not these trades would make a man honest? Peace, the door opes. Wheel about, Yeoman Clutch.

Enter WHIRLPOOL, LINSTOCK, and MONOPOLY unbraced.

MONOPOLY
And ere I come to sup in this tavern again! There’s no more attendance than in a jail! And there had been a punk or two in the company then we should not have been rid of the drawers; now were I in an excellent humour to go to a vaulting house. I would break down all their glass windows, hew in pieces all there join stools, tear silk petticoats, ruffle their periwigs, and spoil their painting. Oh the gods, what I could do! I could undergo fifteen bawds by their darkness, or if I could meet one of these varlets that wear Pannier-alley on their back—sergeants—I would make them scud so fast from me that they should think it a shorter way between this and Ludgate than a condemned cutpurse thinks it between Newgate and Tyburn.

LINSTOCK
You are for no action tonight.

WHIRLPOOL
No, I’ll to bed.

MONOPOLY
Am not I druink now? Implentur veteris bacchi, pinguisque Tobacco.

WHIRLPOOL
Faith, we are all heated.

MONOPOLY
Captain Whirlpool, when wilt come to court and dine with me?

WHIRLPOOL
One of these days, Frank, but I’ll get me two gauntlets for fear I lose my fingers in the dishes; there be excellent shavers, I hear, in the most of your under offices. I protest I have often come thither, sat down, drawn my knife, and ere I could say grace all the meat hath been gone. I have risen, and departed thence as hungry, as ever came country attorney from Westminster. Good night, honest Frank, do not swagger with the watch, Frank.                [Exeunt WHIRLPOOL and LINSTOCK.

TENTERHOOK
So now they are gone, you make take him.

AMBUSH
Sir, I arrest you.

MONOPOLY
Arrest me? At whose suit, you varlets?

CLUTCH
At Master Tenterhook’s.

MONOPOLY
Why, you varlets, dare you arrest one of the court?

AMBUSH
Come, will you be quiet, sir?

MONOPOLY
Pray thee, good yeoman, call the gentlemen back again. There’s a gentleman hath carried a hundred pound of mine home with him to his lodging, because Id are not carry it over the fields. I’ll discharge it presently.

AMBUSH
Thats a trick, sir. You would procure a rescue.

MONOPOLY
Catchpole, do you see, I will have the hair of your head and beard shaved off for this, and ere I catch you at Gray’s Inn, by this light law.

AMBUSH
Come, will you march?

MONOPOLY
Are you sergeants Christians? Sirrah, thou lookest like a good pitiful rascal, and thou art a tall man too it seems; Thou hast back’d many a man in thy time, I warrant.

AMBUSH
I have had many a man by the back, sir.

MONOPOLY
Well said, in troth. I love your quality. ‘Las, ‘tis needful every man should come by his own. But as God mend me, gentlemen, I have not one cross about me, only you two. Might not you let a gentleman pass out of your hands, and say you saw him not? Is there not such a kind of mercy in you now and then, my masters, as I live, if you come to my lodging tomorrow morning, I’ll give you five brace of angels. Good yeomen, persuade your graduate here. I know some of you to be honest faithful drunkards; respect a poor gentleman in my case.

TENTERHOOK
Come, it will not serve your turn. Officers, look to him upon your peril.

MONOPOLY
Do you hear, sir, you see I am in the hands of a couple of ravens here. As you are a gentleman, lend me forty shillings. Let me not live if I do not pay you the forfeiture of the whole bond, and never plead conscience.

TENTERHOOK
Not a penny, not a penny. God night, sir.                                                                [Exit.

MONOPOLY
Well, a man ought not to swear by anything in the hands of sergeants, but by silver, and because my pocket is no lawful justice to minister any such oath unto me, I will presently encounter the counter. Which is the dearest wad in prison, sergeant. The knight’s ward?

AMBUSH
No, sir, the master’s side.

MONOPOLY
Well, the knight is above the master though his table be worse furnish’d. I’ll go thither.

AMBUSH
Come, sir, I must use you kindly. The gentleman’s wife that hath arrested you—

MONOPOLY
Ay, what of her?

AMBUSH
She says you are her aunt’s son.

MONOPOLY
Ay, I am.

AMBUSH
She takes on to pitifully for your arresting, ‘twas much against her will—good gentlemwoman—that this affliction lighted upon you.

MONOPOLY
She hath reason, if she respect her poor kindred.

AMBUSH
You shall not go to prison.

MONOPOLY
Honest sergeant, conscionable officer, did I forget myself even now, a vice that sticks to me always when I am drunk to abuse my best friends. Where didst buy this buff? Let me not live but I’ll give thee a good suit of durance. Wilt thou take my bond, sergeant? Where’s a scrivener, a scrivener, good yeoman? You shall have my sword and hangers to pay him.

AMBUSH
Not so, sir, but you shall be prisoner in my house. I do not think but that your cousin will visit you there i’th’morning, and take order for you.

MONOPOLY
Well said. Wast not a most treacherous part to arrest a man in the night, and when he is almost drunk, when he hath not his wits about him to remember which of his friends is in the subsidy? Come, did I abuse you? I recant. You are as necessary in a city as tumblers in Norfolk, sumners in Lancashire, or rake-hells in an army.                                                                                                                         [Exeunt.

Proceed to the Next Scene

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