Westward Ho – Act Three, Scene Four

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Enter MONOPOLY and MISTRESS TENTERHOOK.

MONOPOLY
I beseech you, Mistress Tenterhook.
Before God, I’ll be sick if you will not be merry.

MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
You are a sweet beagle.

MONOPOLY
Come, because I have help from town a little, let me not live if I did not hear the sickness was in town very hot. In troth, thy hair is of an excellent colour since I saw it. Oh, those bright tresses like to threads of gold.

MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
Lie and ashes suffer much in the city for that comparison.

MONOPOLY
Here’s an honest gentleman will be here by and by, was born at Foolham. His name is Goslin Glowworm.

MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
I know him. What is he?

MONOPOLY
He is a knight. What ail’d your husband to be so hasty to arrest me?

MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
Shall I speak truly? Shall I speak not like a woman?

MONOPOLY
Why not like a woman?

MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
Because women’s tongues are like to clocks; if they go too fast they never go true. ‘Twas I that got my husband to arrest thee, I have.

MONOPOLY
I am beholding to you.

MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
Forsooth, I could not come to the speech of you. I think you may be spoken with all now.

MONOPOLY
I thank you. I hope you’ll bail me, cousin?

MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
And yet why should I speak with you? I protest I love my husband.

MONOPOLY
Tush! Let not any young woman love a man in years too well.

MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
Why?

MONOPOLY
Because he’ll die before he can requite it.

MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
I have acquainted Wafer and Honeysuckle with it, and they allow my wit for’t extremely. Oh, honest sergeant!

Enter AMBUSH.

AMBUSH
Welcome, good Mistress Tenterhook.

MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
Sergeant, I must needs have my cousin go a little way out of town with me, and to secrue thee, here are two diamonds. They are worth two hundred pound. Keep them till I return him.

AMBUSH
Well, ‘tis good security.

MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
Do not come in my husband’s sight in the meantime.

Enter WHIRLPOOL, SIR GOSLIN, LINSTOCK, MISTRESS HONEYSUCKLE, and MISTRESS WAFER.

AMBUSH
Welcome, gallants!

WHIRLPOOL
How now? Monopoly arrested?

MONOPOLY
Oh, my little Honeysuckle, art come to visit a prisoner?

MISTRESS HONEYSUCKLE
Yes, faith, as gentlemen visit merchants, to farewell; or as poets young quiant revellers, to laugh at them. [To MISTRESS TENTERHOOK.] Sirrah, if I were some foolish justice, if I would not beg thy with never grust me.

MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
Why, I pray you?

MISTRESS HONEYSUCKLE
Because it hath been conceal’d all this while. But come, shall we to boat? We are furnish’d for attendants as ladies are; we have our fools and our ushers.

SIR GOSLIN
I thank you, madam. I shall meet your wit in the close, one day.

MISTRESS WAFER
Sirrah, thou knowest my husband keeps a kennel of hounds?

MISTRESS HONEYSUCKLE
Yes?

WHIRLPOOL
Doth thy husband love venery?

MISTRESS WAFER
Venery?

WHIRLPOOL
Ay, hunting and venery are words of one signification.

MISTRESS WAFER
Your two husbands and he have made a match to go find a hare about Bushy Causy.

MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
They’ll keep an excellent house till we come home gain.

MISTRESS HONEYSUCKLE
Oh, excellent! A Spanish dinner, a pilcher, and a Dutch supper, butter, and onions.

LINSTOCK
Oh, thou art a mad wench.

MISTRESS TENTERHOOK
Sergeant, carry this ell of cambric to Mistress Birdlime; tell her but that it is a rough tide, and that she fears the water, she should have gone with us.

SIR GOSLIN
Oh, thou hast an excellent wit.

WHIRLPOOL
To boat, hay?

MISTRESS HONEYSUCKLE
Sir Goslin, I do take it your legs are married?

SIR GOSLIN
Why, mistress?

MISTRESS HONEYSUCKLE
They look so thin upon it.

SIR GOSLIN
Ever since I measur’d with your husband, I have shrunk in the calf.

MISTRESS HONEYSUCKLE
And yet you have a sweet tooth in your head.

SIR GOSLIN
Oh, well, dealt for the calf’s head; you may talk what you will of legs, and rising in the small, and swelling beneath the garter. But ‘tis certain when lank thighs brought long stockings out of fashion, the courtier’s leg and his slender tilting staff grew both of a bigness. Come, for Brainford!                                                         [Exit.

Proceed to the Next Scene

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