The Welsh Embassador – Act Five, Scene Two

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Enter CLOWN in his study, writing; one knocks within.

CLOWN
Who does molest our comtemplations?  What are you?

ELDRED
[Within.] ‘Tis Reese ap Meridith, ap Shon, ap Vaughan, ap Llewellins, ap Morris.

CLOWN
So many of you?  Come all in.

Enter ELDRED.

 ELDRED
Please you, Master Kernicler, from all your good studies and wise meditations.

CLOWN
Oh, Master Rice, I thought more of your countrymen had knock’d at door with you.  Bring ‘em all in.

ELDRED
More, yes, and more will come to her and kanog somebody’s nightcaps; there is a great teal of prepples and high urds to up and town to on rascal’s Brian MacTeagues about our countries.  I beseese you now upon your quarnicle books; tell her which is praver country, Wales or Ireland, for antickities and for <fin>e sentlemen, and awl materials besides.

<CLOWN>
<Brav>er country?  Oh, Wales, by any means.

<ELDRED>
<I think> so too; Wales for ap Sean’s money.
<       >

CLOWN
Look how much a’ Saint Thomas’ onion is a sweeter salad than poor s<    >.

ELDRED
Right; ‘tis well spoken and in elegancies.

CLOWN
Or, as a fat Shropshire cheese outweighs a pound of hairy Irish b<     >, so Wales with her mountains is higher in stature and therefore older in antiquities than Ireland.

ELDRED
No cambro Britain in the orld can tauge finer.

CLOWN
Welshmen, why you are descended from the warlike Troyans and the mad Greeks.

ELDRED
‘Tis awl true as steel.

CLOWN
So that two famous nations jumbled together to make up a Welshman, but alas, Irishmen make one another.

ELDRED
Now you tawge of Greeks and Troshans, it was a Troshan pair away the lady Helens and prave Greeks fought almost a towzen years for her.  So a Welseman that has true Prittish plod in her, ere he loose his ense will swear and fide and run up to his nose above his chin in embruings and be awl dyed in sanguins.

CLOWN
Nay, you awl carry metel enough about you, that’s certain.

ELDRED
Mac Breean also says that Cupit was an Irish boy; put I say a Welse boy, because Welse men are so loving.

CLOWN
What country boy Cupid is I know not, but I’m sure Mercury was a Welshman and kept both sheep and goats, and your Welsh hook came from his sheep hook.

ELDRED
‘Tis mighty prave, and I am sure Arion was a Welseman and play’d passing melodiously upon her harp.

CLOWN
He did so, and it was a Welsh dolphin he rode upon.

ELDRED
I think your kernicles some times tell lies, for in Wales are no dolphins but at inn doors as signs.

CLOWN
I have read it so in heathen Greek.

ELDRED
Not in Christian Welse, I assure you, but pray sustify awl this of Wales under your pens and inkhorns, for Mac Teages and I are to kill one of us upon it.  I will pay you and be ever pound in my poddies to you, shall come anon py and py.                                                                                                                                       [Exit.

Knock within; enter EDMOND.

 CLOWN
Come in.  Oh, Master Mac Teage, this may be chronicled to see you here.

EDMOND
Sawest thou Reece dat coggin rascals?

CLOWN
Not I.

EDMOND
I priddy tell me, for Reece and I quarrel upon it, whedder is Ireland or Wales more ancient or finer country?

CLOWN
Oh, Ireland, Ireland!   Any question of that?

EDMOND
‘I’faat, I tink so too.  Dow and I jump into one hole.

CLOWN
Look how much difference is between Mile End and Gravesend or between Dover pier and one of the peers of France, so short comes Wales of Ireland.

EDMOND
Dow know’st our country too has no vermin in’t.

CLOWN
Oh no, yet more cattle by far than Wales.

EDMOND
And dat der is not a toad or spider in Ireland.

CLOWN
No, that’s certain, there are fewer spider-catchers in your country than in any else.

EDMOND
Reece says to that A Welshman runs faster den an Irish.

CLOWN
Fie, fie, Rice is an ass.  Your countrymen are footmen to lords and ladies and so run after honour.

EDMOND
‘I’faat, after a great teal of honour, and if king Atelstanes himself were here, I should tell him I myself was as well born in my moder’s belly as the prowdest comrague in Wales.

CLOWN
My head upon that, Brian.

EDMOND
And priddy now, tell me who is more terrible in batails, de Irish or de Welsh?

CLOWN
Oh, Irish, Irish; every Irishman with a dart looks like death; only death has not so much hair on’s head.

EDMOND
Yet, ap Morris says in wars his Britain is more fierce.

CLOWN
Ap Morris lies.

Enter ELDRED.

ELDRED
Which ap Morris; lug you, you Master Hobbadery coscomb?  The same ap Morris can mage your learned chronological nose lie here now.

EDMOND
Crees sa me, one Irishman and one Welshman is abl<e to make> fools out of ten bushels such as dow art.

ELDRED
You cut out threadbare questions up<     > of your left-handed wits, and ‘tis not an <      >.

EDMOND
Sholl de crow tow whoreson teef b<ushels> to p<e>ck <   y   m  s      d      >

ELDRED
And to nay down her ears so her hearing was not urse for it.

ELDMOND
And i’fait’la, ripe away di guts only in merriments.

CLOWN
And I, now your bolt’s are shot, to see you both like hangiloes in new suits handsomely truss’d up, capering i’th’air, leaping at a daisy, and to accord together in a noose of brotherhood not be undone, and then that know would I chronicle.

ELDRED
Der is one know for anoder den.

EDMOND
And so, awl friends.

CLOWN
Is the masque tonight at court?

ELDRED
So master Capten Voltimars sends his petitionary urds to your urship to pring you quarnicles along by you and to shag your heels amond the masquers.

EDMOND
What do put in dy ten toes for a share into der company?

CLOWN
For a share, yet, and these my ten hobnails too.  I am to speak in the masque, brave sport.  One English dancer and two harpers, who mew at all three are malicious carpers.  Come, I am ready for a caranto already.

EDMOND
Tree merry men, and tree merry men.

ELDRED
And three men was we-a.

CLOWN
English.

EDMOND
Irish.

ELDRED
And prave Welse.

OMNES
And turn about knaves all three-a.                                                                  [Exeunt.

Proceed to the Next Scene

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