1 Honest Whore – Act Five, Scene Two

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Enter FRIAR ANSELMO, HIPPOLITO, MATHEO, and INFELICE.

HIPPOLITO
Nay, nay, resolve, good father, or deny.

ANSELMO
You press me to an act both full of danger
And full of happiness, for I behold
Your father’s frowns, his threats, nay, perhaps death
To him that dare do this; yet noble lord,
Such comfortable beams break through these clouds
By this bless’d marriage; that, your honour’d word
Being pawn’d in my defense, I will tie fast
The holy wedding knot.

HIPPOLITO
Tush, fear not the duke.

ANSELMO
Oh, son,
Wisely to fear is to be free from fear.

HIPPOLITO
You have our words, and you shall have our lives,
To guard you safe from all ensuing danger.

MATHEO
Ay, ay, chop ’em up and away.

ANSELMO
Stay: when is’t fit for me, safest for you,
To entertain this business?

HIPPOLITO
Not till the evening.

ANSELMO
Be’t so; there is a chapel stands hard by,
Upon the west end of the abbey wall:
Thither convey yourselves, and when the sun
Hath turn’d his back upon this upper world,
I’ll marry you; that done, no thund’ring voice
Can break the sacred bond. Yet lady, here
You are most safe.

INFELICE
Father, your love’s most dear.

MATHEO
Ay, well said.  Lock us into some little room by ourselves that we may be mad for an hour or two.

HIPPOLITO
Oh, good Matheo, no, let’s make no noise.

MATHEO
How!  No noise!  Do you know where you are?  ‘Sfoot, amongst all the madcaps in Milan, so that to throw the house out at window will be the better, and no man will suspect that we lurk here to steal mutton:  the more sober we are, the more scurvy ’tis.  And though the friar tell us that here we are safest, I’m not of his mind, for if those lay here that had lost their money, none would ever look after them, but here are none but those that have lost their wits, so that if hue and cry be made, hither they’ll come, and my reason is, because none goes be married till he be stark mad.

Enter FLUELLO.

HIPPOLITO
Muffle yourselves; yonder’s Fluello.

MATHEO
Zounds!

FLUELLO
Oh, my lord, these cloaks are not for this rain; the tempest is too great: I come sweating to tell you of it that you may get out of it.

MATHEO
Why, what’s the matter?

FLUELLO
What’s the matter? You have matter’d it fair: the duke’s at hand.

OMNES
The duke?

FLUELLO
The very duke.

HIPPOLITO
Then all our plots
Are turn’d upon our heads, and we are blown up
With our own underminings. ‘Sfoot, how comes he?
What villain durst betray our being here?

FLUELLO
Castruchio, Castruchio told the duke, and Matheo here told Castruchio.

HIPPOLITO
Would you betray me to Castruchio?

MATHEO
‘Sfoot, he damn’d himself to the pit of hell if he spake on’t again!

HIPPOLITO
So did you swear to me, so were you damn’d.

MATHEO
Pox on ’em, and there be no faith in men, if a man shall not believe oaths!  He took bread and salt, by this light, that he would never open his lips.

HIPPOLITO
Oh God, oh God!

ANSELMO
Son, be not desperate;
Have patience: you shall trip your enemy down
By his own sleights. How far is the duke hence?

FLUELLO
He’s but new set out. Castruchio, Pioratto, and Sinezi come along with him: you have time enough yet to prevent them if you have but courage.

ANSELMO
You shall steal secretly into the chapel
And presently be married; if the duke
Abide here still, spite of ten thousand eyes,
You shall scape hence like friars.

HIPPOLITO
Oh, bless’d disguise! Oh, happy man!

ANSELMO
Talk not of happiness till your clos’d hand
Have her by th’forehead, like the lock of time.
Be not too slow nor hasty now you climb
Up to the tower of bliss, only be wary
And patient, that’s all: if you like my plot,
Build and dispatch; if not, farewell, then not.

HIPPOLITO
Oh, yes, we do applaud it; we’ll dispute
No longer, but will hence and execute.
Fluello, you’ll stay here; let us be gone.
The ground that frighted lovers tread upon
Is stuck with thorns.

ANSELMO
Come then, away: ’tis meet,
To escape those thorns, to put on winged feet.

[Exeunt HIPPOLITO, INFELICE, and ANSELMO.

MATHEO
No words I pray, Fluello, for it stands us upon.

FLUELLO
Oh, sir, let that be your lesson.                                                       [Exit MATHEO.
Alas, poor lovers, on what hopes and fears
Men toss themselves for women! When she’s got
The best has in her that which pleaseth not.

Enter to FLUELLO the DUKE, CASTRUCHIO, PIORATTO, and SINEZI from several doors muffled.

DUKE
Who’s there?

CASTRUCHIO
My lord.

DUKE
Peace, send that lord away:
A lordship will spoil all; let’s be all fellows.
What’s he?

CASTRUCHIO
Fluello, or else Sinezi by his little legs.

OMNES
All friends, all friends.

DUKE
What, met upon the very point of time!
Is this the place?

PIORATTO
This is the place, my lord.

DUKE
Dream you on lordships!  Come, no more lords, pray.
You have not seen these lovers yet?

OMNES
Not yet.

DUKE
Castruchio, art thou sure this wedding feat
Is not till afternoon?

CASTRUCHIO
So ’tis given out, my lord.

DUKE
Nay, nay, ’tis like; thieves must observe their hours:
Lovers watch minutes like astronomers.
How shall the interim hours by us be spent?

FLUELLO
Let’s all go see the madmen.

OMNES
Mass, content.

Enter a Sweeper.

DUKE
Oh, here comes one; question him, question him.

FLUELLO
How now, honest fellow. Dost thou belong to the house?

SWEEPER
Yes, forsooth, I am one of the implements; I sweep the madmen’s rooms, and fetch straw for ’em, and buy chains to tie ’em, and rods to whip ’em.  I was a mad wag myself here once, but I thank Father Anselm:  he lash’d me into my right mind again.

DUKE
[Aside to CASTRUCHIO.] Anselmo is the friar must marry them;
Question him where he is.

CASTRUCHIO
And where is Father Anselmo now?

SWEEPER
Marry, he’s gone but e’en now.

DUKE
Ay, well done. Tell me, whither is he gone?

SWEEPER
Why, to God A’mighty.

FLUELLO
Ha, ha, this fellow is a fool, talks idly!

PIORATTO
Sirrah, are all the mad folks in Milan brought hither?

SWEEPER
How!  All!  There’s a wise question indeed.  Why, if all the mad folks in Milan should come hither, there would not be left ten men in the city.

DUKE
Few gentlemen or courtiers here, ha?

SWEEPER
Oh, yes!  Abundance, abundance!  Lands no sooner fall into their hands, but straight they run out a’ their wits.  Citizens’ sons and heirs are free of the house by their father’s copy.  Farmers’ sons come hither like geese in flocks and when they ha’ sold all their cornfields, here they sit and pick the straws.

SINEZI
Methinks you should have women here as well as men.

SWEEPER
Oh, ay, a plague on ’em!  There’s no ho with them; they are madder than march hares.

FLUELLO
Are there no lawyers here amongst you?

SWEEPER
Oh, no, not one: never any lawyer!  We dare not let a lawyer come in, for he’ll make ’em mad faster than we can recover ’em.

DUKE
And how long is’t e’er you recover any of these?

SWEEPER
Why, according to the quantity of the moon that’s got into ’em.  An alderman’s son will be mad a great while, a very great while, especially if his friends left him well.  A whore will hardly come to her wits again.  A puritan, there’s no hope of him, unless he may pull down the steeple and hang himself i’th’bell-ropes.

FLUELLO
I perceive all sorts of fish come to your net.

SWEEPER
Yes, in truth, we have blocks for all heads; we have good store of wild oats here, for the courtier is mad at the citizen, the citizen is mad at the country man, the shoemaker is mad at the cobbler, the cobbler at the carman, the punk is mad that the merchant’s wife is no whore, the merchant’s wife is mad that the punk is so common a whore—

Enter ANSELMO.

Gods-so, here’s Father Anselm!  Pray say nothing that I tell tales out of the school.                                                                                                              [Exit.                                     

OMNES
God bless you, father.

ANSELMO
Thank you, gentlemen.

CASTRUCHIO
Pray may we see some of those wretched souls
That here are in your keeping?

ANSELMO
Yes, you shall,
But, gentlemen, I must disarm you then.
There are of mad men, as there are of tame,
All humour’d not alike: we have here some,
So apish and fantastic, play with a feather,
And though ‘twould grieve a soul to see God’s image
So blemish’d and defac’d, yet do they act
Such antic and such pretty lunacies,
That spite of sorrow they will make you smile;
Others again we have like hungry lions,
Fierce as wild bulls, untamable as flies,
And these have oftentimes from strangers’ sides
Snatch’d rapiers suddenly and done much harm,
Whom if you’ll see, you must be weaponless.

OMNES
With all our hearts.                                 [Giving their weapons to ANSELMO.

ANSELMO
[Calling offstage] Here, take these weapons in.

Enter Sweeper, then exits with their swords.

Stand off a little pray; so, so, ’tis well.
I’ll show you here a man that was sometimes
A very grave and wealthy citizen,
Has serv’d a prenticeship to this misfortune,
Been here seven years, and dwelt in Bergamo.

DUKE
How fell he from himself?

ANSELMO
By loss at sea.
I’ll stand aside; question him you alone,
For if he spy me, he’ll not speak a word
Unless he’s throughly vex’d.              [Discovers an old man, wrapp’d in a net.

FLUELLO
Alas, poor soul.

CASTRUCHIO
A very old man.

DUKE
God speed, father.

FIRST MADMAN
God speed the plough: thou shalt not speed me.

PIORATTO
We see you, old man, for all you dance in a net.

FIRST MADMAN
True, but thou wilt dance in a halter, and I shall not see thee.

ANSELMO
Oh, do not vex him, pray!

CASTRUCHIO
Are you a fisherman, father?

FIRST MADMAN
No, I’m neither fish nor flesh.

FLUELLO
What do you with that net then?

FIRST MADMAN
Dost not see, fool?  There’s a fresh salmon in’t.  If you step one foot furder, you’ll be over shoes, for you see I’m over head and ear in the saltwater, and if you fall into this whirlpool where I am, y’are drown’d, y’are a drown’d rat!  I am fishing here for five ships, but I cannot have a good draught, for my net breaks still, and breaks, but I’ll break some of your necks and I catch you in my clutches.  Stay, stay, stay, stay, stay!  Where’s the wind, where’s the wind, where’s the wind, where’s the wind?  Out, you gulls, you goose-caps, you gudgeon-eaters!  Do you look for the wind in the heavens?  Ha, ha, ha, ha!  No, no, look there, look there, look there!  The wind is always at that door.  Hark how it blows, poof, poof, poof!

OMNES
Ha, ha, ha!

FIRST MADMAN
Do you laugh at God’s creatures?  Do you mock old age, you rogues?  Is this gray beard and head counterfeit, that you cry, “Ha, ha, ha?”  Sirrah, art not thou my eldest son?

PIORATTO
Yes indeed, father.

FIRST MADMAN
Then th’art a fool, for my eldest son had a polt foot, crooked legs, a vergis face, and a pear-colour’d beard; I made him a scholar, and he made himself a fool.  Sirrah!  Thou there!  Hold out thy hand.

DUKE
My hand?  Well, here ’tis.

FIRST MADMAN
Look, look, look, look:  has he not long nails and short hair?

FLUELLO
Yes, monstrous short hair and abominable long nails.

FIRST MADMAN
Tenpenny nails, are they not?

FLUELLO
Yes, tenpenny nails.

FIRST MADMAN
Such nails had my second boy.  Kneel down, thou varlet, and ask thy father blessing.  Such nails had my middlemost son and I made him a promoter, and he scrap’d, and scrap’d, and scrap’d till he got the devil and all, but he scrap’d thus, and thus, and thus, and it went under his legs, till at length a company of kites taking him for carrion swept up all, all, all, all, all, all, all.  If you love your lives, look to yourselves.  See, see, see, see, the Turks’ galleys are fighting with my ships! Bounce goes the guns!  “Oooh!” cry the men.  Romble romble go the waters. Alas! There!  ‘Tis sunk, ’tis sunk!  I am undone, I am undone!  You are the damn’d pirates have undone me!  You are, by th’ Lord, you are, you are, stop ’em, you are!

ANSELMO
Why, how now, sirrah!  Must I fall to tame you?

FIRST MADMAN
Tame me?  No, I’ll be madder than a roasted cat.  See, see, I am burnt with gunpowder; these are our close fights.

ANSELMO
I’ll whip you if you grow unruly thus.

FIRST MADMAN
Whip me?  Out, you toad!  Whip me?  What justice is this, to whip me because I’m a beggar?  Alas, I am a poor man, a very poor man!  I am starv’d, and have had no meat by this light, ever since the great flood. I am a poor man.

ANSELMO
Well, well, be quiet and you shall have meat.

FIRST MADMAN
Ay, ay, pray do, for look you here be my guts. These are my ribs; you may look through my ribs. See how my guts come out! These are my red guts, my very guts, oh, oh!

ANSELMO
Take him in there.                                              [Servants remove First Madman.

OMNES
A very piteous sight.

CASTRUCHIO
Father, I see you have a busy charge.

ANSELMO
They must be us’d like children, pleas’d with toys,
And anon whipp’d for their unruliness.
I’ll show you now a pair quite different
From him that’s gone; he was all words, and these,
Unless you urge ’em, seldom spend their speech,
But save their tongues.

Enter the Second and Third Madmen.

La you, this hithermost
Fell from the happy quietness of mind,
About a maiden that he lov’d and died.
He followed her to church, being full of tears,
And as her body went into the ground,
He fell stark mad.  That is a married man
Was jealous of a fair but, as some say,
A very virtuous wife, and that spoil’d him.

SECOND MADMAN
All these are whoremongers and lay with my wife!  Whore, whore, whore, whore, whore!

FLUELLO
Observe him.

SECOND MADMAN
Gaffer shoemaker, you pull’d on my wife’s pumps, and then crept into her pantofles:  lie there, lie there.  This was her tailor; you cut out her loose-bodied gown and put in a yard more than I allowed her.  Lie there by the shoemaker.  Oh, master doctor, are you here?  You gave me a purgation and then crept into my wife’s chamber to feel her pulses, and you said, and she said, and her maid said that they went pit-a-pat, pit-a-pat, pit-a-pat.  Doctor, I’ll put you anon into my wife’s urinal.  Heigh, come aloft, Jack!  This was her schoolmaster, and taught her to play upon the virginals:  still his jacks leapt up, up; you prick’d her out nothing but bawdy lessons, but I’ll prick you all!  Fiddler, doctor, tailor, shoemaker; shoemaker, fiddler, doctor, tailor:  so, lie with my wife again now!

CASTRUCHIO
See how he notes the other now he feeds.

SECOND MADMAN
Give me some porridge.

THIRD MADMAN
I’ll give thee none.

SECOND MADMAN
Give me some porridge.

THIRD MADMAN
I’ll not give thee a bit.

SECOND MADMAN
Give me that flap-dragon.

THIRD MADMAN
I’ll not give thee a spoonful.  Thou liest; it’s no dragon, ’tis a parrot that I bought for my sweetheart, and I’ll keep it.

SECOND MADMAN
Here’s an almond for parrot.

THIRD MADMAN
Hang thyself.

SECOND MADMAN
Here’s a rope for parrot.

THIRD MADMAN
Eat it, for I’ll eat this.

SECOND MADMAN
I’ll shoot at thee and thou’t give me none.

THIRD MADMAN
Wut thou?

SECOND MADMAN
I’ll run a-tilt at thee and thou ‘t give me none.

THIRD MADMAN
Wut thou? Do and thou dar’st!

SECOND MADMAN
Bounce!

THIRD MADMAN
Oh! I am slain! Murder, murder, murder, I am slain, my brains are beaten out!

ANSELMO
How now, you villains! Bring me whips! I’ll whip you!

THIRD MADMAN
I am dead, I am slain! Ring out the bell, for I am dead!

DUKE
How will you do now, sirrah? You ha’ kill’d him.

SECOND MADMAN
I’ll answer’t at sessions: he was eating of almond-butter, and I long’d for’t; the child had never been delivered out of my belly, if I had not kill’d him.  I’ll answer’t at sessions, so my wife may be burnt i’th’hand too.

ANSELMO
Take ’em in both: bury him, for he’s dead.

THIRD MADMAN
Ay, indeed, I am dead; put me I pray into a good pit hole.

SECOND MADMAN
I’ll answer ‘t at sessions.                                 [Exeunt Servants with Madmen

Enter BELLAFRONT mad.

ANSELMO
How now, huswife, whither gad you?

BELLAFRONT
A-nutting, forsooth.  How do you, gaffer?  How do you, gaffer?  There’s a French curtsy for you too.

FLUELLO
[Aside.] ‘Tis Bellafront !

PIORATTO
[Aside.] ‘Tis the punk, by th’Lord!

DUKE
Father, what’s she I pray?

ANSELMO
As yet I know not;
She came but in this day, talks little idly,
And therefore has the freedom of the house.

BELLAFRONT
Do not you know me?  Nor you?  Nor you, nor you?

OMNES
No indeed.

BELLAFRONT
Then you are an ass, and you are an ass, and you are an ass, for I know you.

ANSELMO
Why, what are they?  Come, tell me, what are they?

BELLAFRONT
Three fishwives.  Will you buy any gudgeons?

Enter HIPPOLITO, MATHEO, and INFELICE disguis’d in the habits of friars.

God’s sanity, yonder come friars!  I know them too. How do you, friar?

ANSELMO
Nay, nay, away, you must not trouble friars.
[Aside to HIPPOLITO.] The duke is here; speak nothing.

BELLAFRONT
Nay, indeed, you shall not go:  we’ll run at barley-break first, and you shall be in hell.

MATHEO
[Aside to HIPPOLITO.] My punk turn’d mad whore, as all her fellows are?

HIPPOLITO
[Aside to MATHEO.] Speak nothing, but steal hence when you spy time.

ANSELMO
I’ll lock you up if y’are unruly, fie!

BELLAFRONT
Fie! Marry foh, they shall not go indeed till I ha’ told ’em their fortunes.

DUKE
Good father, give her leave.

BELLAFRONT
I pray, good father, and I’ll give you my blessing.

ANSELMO
Well then, be brief, but if you are thus unruly,
I’ll have you lock’d up fast.

PIORATTO
Come to their fortunes.

BELLAFRONT
Let me see—one, two, three, and four—I’ll begin with the little friar first.  Here’s a fine hand indeed; I never saw friar have such a dainty hand.  Here’s a hand for a lady.  You ha’ good fortune now.
Oh, see, see what a thread here’s spun:
You love a friar better than a nun,
Yet long you’ll love no friar, not no friar’s son.                                 [Bow a little.
The line of life is out, yet I’m afraid
For all you’re holy, you’ll not die a maid.
God give you joy.
Now to you, Friar Tuck.

MATHEO
God send me good luck.

BELLAFRONT
You love one, and one loves you.
You are a false knave, and she’s a Jew.
Here is a dial that false ever goes.

MATHEO
Oh, your wit drops!

BELLAFRONT
Troth, so does your nose.
[To HIPPOLITO.] Nay, let’s shake hands with you too;
Pray open. Here’s a fine hand.
Ho, friar, ho! God be here,
So he had need: you’ll keep good cheer.
Here’s a free table, but a frozen breast,
For you’ll starve those that love you best.
Yet you have good fortune, for if I am no liar,
Then you are no friar, nor you, nor you no friar.                         [Discovers them.
Haha, haha!

DUKE
Are holy habits cloaks for villainy?
Draw all your weapons!

HIPPOLITO
Do, draw all your weapons!

DUKE
Where are your weapons? Draw!

OMNES
The friar has gull’d us of ’em.

MATHEO
Oh, rare trick!
You ha’ learnt one mad point of arithmetic.

HIPPOLITO
Why swells your spleen so high?  Against what bosom
Would you your weapons draw?  Hers?  ‘Tis your daughter’s!
Mine?  ‘Tis your son’s!

DUKE
Son?

MATHEO
Son, by yonder sun.

HIPPOLITO
You cannot shed blood here, but ’tis your own;
To spill your own blood were damnation.
Lay smooth that wrinkled brow, and I will throw
Myself beneath your feet;
Let it be rugged still and flinted o’er,
What can come forth but sparkles that will burn
Yourself and us?  She’s mine; my claim’s most good:
She’s mine by marriage, though she’s yours by blood.

ANSELMO
I have a hand, dear lord, deep in this act,
For I foresaw this storm, yet willingly
Put forth to meet it. Oft have I seen a father
Washing the wounds of his dear son in tears,
A son to curse the sword that struck his father,
Both slain i’th’quarrel of your families.
Those scars are now ta’en off, and I beseech you
To seal our pardon; all was to this end,
To turn the ancient hates of your two houses
To fresh green friendship, that your loves might look
Like the spring’s forehead, comfortably sweet,
And your vex’d souls in peaceful union meet.
Their blood will now be yours, yours will be theirs,
And happiness shall crown your silver hairs.

FLUELLO
You see, my lord, there’s now no remedy.

OMNES
Beseech your lordship!

DUKE
You beseech fair:  you have me in place fit
To bridle me.  Rise, friar; you may be glad
You can make madmen tame and tame men mad.
Since fate hath conquered, I must rest content;
To strive now would but add new punishment.
I yield unto your happiness; be bless’d:
Our families shall henceforth breathe in rest.

OMNES
Oh, happy change!

DUKE
Yours now is my consent;
I throw upon your joys my full content.

BELLAFRONT
Am not I a good girl for finding the friar in the well?  Gods-so, you are a brave man!  Will not you buy me some sugar-plums because I am so good a fortune-teller?

DUKE
Would thou hadst wit, thou pretty soul, to ask
As I have will to give.

BELLAFRONT
Pretty soul!  A pretty soul is better than a pretty body.  Do not you know my pretty soul?  I know you. Is not your name Matheo?

MATHEO
Yes, lamb.

BELLAFRONT
Baa, lamb!  There you lie, for I am mutton.  Look, fine man, he was mad for me once, and I was mad for him once, and he was mad for her once, and were you never mad?  Yes, I warrant. I had a fine jewel once, a very fine jewel, and that naughty man stole it away from me, a very fine jewel.

DUKE
What jewel, pretty maid?

BELLAFRONT
Maid?  Nay, that’s a lie.  Oh, ’twas a very rich jewel call’d a maidenhead, and had not you it, leerer?

MATHEO
Out, you mad ass!  Away!

DUKE
Had he thy maidenhead?
He shall make thee amends and marry thee.

BELLAFRONT
Shall he? Oh, brave Arthur of Bradley then!

DUKE
And if he bear the mind of a gentleman,
I know he will.

MATHEO
I think I rifled her of some such paltry jewel.

DUKE
Did you?  Then marry her; you see the wrong
Has led her spirits into a lunacy.

MATHEO
How, marry her, my lord?  ‘Sfoot, marry a madwoman?  Let a man get the tamest wife he can come by, she’ll be mad enough afterward, do what he can.

DUKE
Nay then, Father Anselmo here shall do his best
To bring her to her wits, and will you then?

MATHEO
I cannot tell I may choose.

DUKE
Nay, then law shall compel:  I tell you, sir,
So much her hard fate moves me, you should not breathe
Under this air unless you married her.

MATHEO
Well then, when her wits stand in their right place I’ll marry her.

BELLAFRONT
I thank your grace. Matheo, thou art mine;
I am not mad, but put on this disguise
Only for you, my lord, for you can tell
Much wonder of me: but you are gone; farewell.
Matheo, thou didst first turn my soul black;
Now make it white again: I do protest,
I’m pure as fire now, chaste as Cynthia’s breast.

HIPPOLITO
I durst be sworn, Matheo, she’s indeed.

MATHEO
Cony-catch’d, gull’d!  Must I sail in your fly-boat
Because I help’d to rear your mainmast first?
Plague ‘found you for’t! ‘Tis well:
The cuckold’s stamp goes current in all nations.
Some men have horns given them at their creations:
If I be one of those, why, so it’s better
To take a common wench and make her good,
Than one that simpers and at first will scarce
Be tempted forth over the threshold door,
Yet in one se’nnight, zounds, turns arrant whore!
Come wench, thou shalt be mine, give me thy golls;
We’ll talk of legs hereafter. See, my lord;
God give us joy.

OMNES
God give you joy.

Enter VIOLA and GEORGE.

GEORGE
Come, mistress, we are in Bedlam now.  Mass, and see we come in pudding-time, for here’s the duke.

VIOLA
My husband, good my lord.

DUKE
Have I thy husband?

CASTRUCHIO
It’s Candido, my lord; he’s here among the lunatics.  Father Anselmo, pray fetch him forth.                                                                                       [Exit ANSELMO.
This madwoman is his wife, and though she were not with child, yet did she long most spitefully to have her husband mad, and because she would be sure he should turn Jew, she plac’d him here in Beth’lem.

Enter CANDIDO with ANSELMO.

Yonder he comes.

DUKE
Come hither, signior.  Are you mad?

CANDIDO
You are not mad.

DUKE
Why, I know that.

CANDIDO
Then may you know I am not mad that know
You are not mad, and that you are the duke.
None is mad here but one. How do you, wife?
What do you long for now?  Pardon, my lord,
She had lost her child’s nose else.  I did cut out
Pennyworths of lawn, the lawn was yet mine own;
A carpet was my gown, yet ’twas mine own;
I wore my man’s coat, yet the cloth mine own;
Had a crack’d crown, the crown was yet mine own:
She says for this I’m mad; were her words true,
I should be mad indeed.  Oh, foolish skill,
Is patience madness?  I’ll be a madman still.

VIOLA
Forgive me and I’ll vex your spirit no more.

DUKE
Come, come, we’ll have you friends; join hearts, join hands.

CANDIDO
See my lord, we are even.
Nay, rise, for ill deeds kneel unto none but heaven.

DUKE
Signior, methinks patience has laid on you
Such heavy weight that you should loathe it.

CANDIDO
Loathe it?

DUKE
For he whose breast is tender, blood so cool
That no wrongs heat it, is a patient fool.
What comfort do you find in being so calm?

CANDIDO
That which green wounds receive from sovereign balm:
Patience, my lord.  Why, ’tis the soul of peace.
Of all the virtues ’tis near’st kin to heaven.
It makes men look like gods; the best of men
That e’er wore earth about him was a sufferer,
A soft, meek, patient, humble, tranquil spirit,
The first true gentleman that ever breath’d.
The stock of patience then cannot be poor;
All it desires, it has:  what monarch more?
It is the greatest enemy to law
That can be, for it doth embrace all wrongs,
And so chains up lawyers’ and women’s tongues.
‘Tis the perpetual prisoner’s liberty,
His walks and orchards; ’tis the bondslave’s freedom,
And makes him seem proud of each iron chain,
As though he wore it more for state than pain.
It is the beggar’s music, and thus sings,
Although their bodies beg, their souls are kings.
Oh, my dread liege, it is the sap of bliss,
Rears us aloft, makes men and angels kiss,
And, last of all, to end a household strife,
It is the honey ‘gainst a waspish wife!

DUKE
Thou giv’st it lively colours.  Who dare say
He’s mad whose words march in so good array?
‘Twere sin all women should such husbands have,
For every man must then be his wife’s slave.
Come therefore, you shall teach our court to shine;
So calm a spirit is worth a golden mine:
Wives with meek husbands that to vex them long
In Bedlam must they dwell, else dwell they wrong.                       [Exeunt.

F I N I S

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