Old Fortunatus – Act Four, Scene Two

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Enter ATHELSTANE, LINCOLN with AGRIPYNE, CYPRUS, GALLOWAY, CORNWALL, CHESTER, LONGAVILLE and MONTROSE.

ATHELSTANE
Lincoln, how set’st thou her at liberty?

LINCOLN
No other prison held her but your court.
There, in her chamber, hath she hid herself
These two days, only to shake off that fear,
Which her late violent rapture cast upon her.

CYPRUS
Where hath the beauteous Agripyne been?

AGRIPYNE
In heaven or hell, in or without the world—
I know not which—for as I oft have seen,
When angry Thamesis hath curl’d her locks,
A whirlwind come, and from her frizzl’d brows
Snatch up a handful of those sweaty pearls
That stood upon her forehead, which awhile,
Being by the boisterous wind hung in the air,
At length hath flung them down and rais’d a storm.
Even with such fury was I wherried up,
And by such force held prisoner in the clouds
And thrown by such a tempest down again.

CORNWALL
Some soul is damn’d in hell for this black deed.

AGRIPYNE
[Aside to ATHELATANE.] I have the purse safe, and anon your grace
Shall have this wondrous history at full.

CYPRUS
Tell me, tormentor, shall fair Agripyne,
Without more difference be now christened mine?

AGRIPYNE
My choice must be my father’s fair consent.

ATHELSTANE
Then shall thy choice end in this Cyprus prince.
Before the sun shall six times more arise,
His royal marriage will we solemnise.
Proclaim this honour’d match.  Come, Agripyne.
I am glad th’art here, [Aside.] More glad the purse is mine.

As they are going in, enter ANDELOCIA, and SHADOW, like Irish costermongers; AGRIPYNE, LONGAVILLE and MONTROSE stay listening to them; the rest exeunt.

BOTH
Buy any apples, feene apples of Tamasco, feene Tamasco peepins!  Peeps feene, buy Tamasco peepins!

AGRIPYNE
Damasco apples?  Good my lord Montrose,
Call yonder fellow.

MONTROSS
Sirrah costermonger!

SHADOW
Who calls?  Peeps of Tomasco, feene peeps!  I fat ‘tis de sweetest apple in the world; ‘tis better den de pome water, or apple John.

ANDELOCIA
By my trat, madam, ‘tis reet Tomasco peepins; look here els.

SHADOW
I dare not say, as de Irishman my countryman say, taste de goodness of de fruit.  No, fait, ‘tis ferie teer, mistress, by Sing Patrick’s hand, ‘tis teer Tamasco apple.

AGRIPYNE
The fairest fruit that ever I beheld.
Damasco apples.  Wherefore are they good?

LONGAVILLE
What is your price of half a score of these?

BOTH
Half a score, half a score?  Dat is doose many, mester.

LONGAVILLE
Ay, ay, ten.  Half a score; that’s five and five.

ANDELOCIA
Feeve and feeve?  By my tat and as Creeze save me la, I cannot tell wat be de price of feeve and feeve, but ‘tis tree crown for one peepin; dat is the preez if you take ‘em.

SHADOW
Ay, fat, ‘tis no less for Tamasco.

AGRIPYNE
Three crowns for one?  What wond’rous virtues have they?

SHADOW
O, ‘tis feene Tamasco apple, and shall make you a great teal wise, and make you no fool, and make feene memory.

ANDELOCIA
And make dis fash be more fair and amiable, and make dis eyes look always lovely, and make all de court and country burn in desire to kiss di none sweet countenance.

MONTROSE
Apples to make a lady beautiful?
Madam, that’s excellent.

APRIGYNE
These Irishmen,
Some say, are great dissemblers, and I fear,
These two of the badge of their own country wear.

ANDELOCIA
By my tat, and by Saint Patrick’s hand, and as Creeze save me la, ‘tis no dissembler.  De Irishman now and den cut di countryman’s throat, but yet in fait he love de countryman; ‘tis no dissembler.  Dis feen Tamasco apple can make di sweet countenance, but I can take no less but three crowns for one.  I wear out my naked legs and my foots, and my tods, and run hidder and didder to Tomasco for dem.

SHADOW
As Creeze save me la, he speaks true.  Peeps feene.

AGRIPYNE
I’ll try what power lies in Damasco fruit.
Here are ten crowns for three.  So fare you well.

MONTROSE
Lord Longaville, buy some.

LONGAVILLE
I buy?  Not I.
Hang them.  They are toys.  Come, madam, let us go.                            [Exeunt.

BOTH
Saint Patrick and Saint Peter, and all de holy angels look upon dat fish and make it fair.

Enter MONTROSSE softly.

SHADOW
Ha, ha, ha, she’s sped, I warrant.

ANDELOCIA
Peace, Shadow.  Buy any peepins, buy!

BOTH
Peeps feene, feene Tomasco apples!

MONTROSE
Came not Lord Longaville to buy some fruit?

ANDELOCIA
No, fat, master, here came no lords nor ladies, but de none sweet self.

MONTROSE
‘Tis well.  Say nothing.  Here’s six crowns for two.
You say the virtues are to make one strong?

BOTH
Yes, fat, and make sweet countenance and strong too.

MONTROSE
‘Tis excellent, here.  Farewell.  If these prove,
I’ll conquer men by strength, women by love.                                       [Exit.

Enter LONGAVILLE.

BOTH
Ha, ha, ha, why this is rare!

SHADOW
Peace, master, here comes another fool.

BOTH
Peeps feene, buy any peeps of Tamasco!

LONGAVILLE
Did not the Lord Montrose return to you?

BOTH
No, fat, sweet master, no lord did turn to us.  Peeps feene!

LONGAVILLE
I am glad of it.  Here are nine crowns for three.
What are the virtues besides making fair?

ANDELOCIA
Oh, ‘twill make thee wondrous wise.

SHADOW
And dow shall be no more a fool, but sweet face and wise.

LONGAVILLE
‘Tis rare.  Farewell.  I never durst woo.
None loves me.  Now I’ll try what these can do.                                          [Exit.

ANDELOCIA
Ha, ha, ha.  So, this is admirable, Shadow.  Here end my torments in Saint Patrick’s purgatory, but thine shall continue longer.

SHADOW
Did I not clap on a good false Irish face?

ANDELOCIA
It became thee rarely.

SHADOW
Yet that’s lamentable; that a false face should become any man.

ANDELOCIA
Thou art a gull.  ‘Tis all the fashion now, which fashion because we’ll keep, step thou abroad, let not the world want fools.  Whilst thou art commencing thy knavery there, I’ll proceed Doctor Dodipoll here.  That done, thou Shadow and I will fat ourselves to behold the transformation of these fools.  Go fly.

SHADOW
I fear nothing, but that whilst we strive to make others fools, we shall wear the coxcombs ourselves.  Pips fine &c.                                                                   [Exit.

Enter AMPEDO.

ANDELOCIA
S’heart, here’s my brother whom I have abus’d.
His presence makes me blush; it strikes me dead
To think how I am metamorphosed.
Feene peepins of Tamasco &c.

AMPEDO
For shame, cast off this mask.

ANDELOCIA
Wilt thou buy any pips?

AMPEDO
Mock me no longer
With idle apparitions.  Many a land
Have I with weary feet and a sick soul
Measur’d to find thee; and when thou art found,
My greatest grief is that thou art not lost.
Yet lost thou art, thy fame, thy wealth are lost,
Thy wits are lost, and thou has in their stead
With shame and cares and misery crown’d thy head.
That Shadow that pursues thee fill’d mine ears
With sad relation of they wretchedness.
Where is the purse, and where my wishing hat?

ANDELOCIA
Where?  And where?  Are you created constable?  You stand so much upon interrogatories.  The purse is gone, let that fret you, and the hat is gone, let that mad you.  I run thus through all trades to overtake them; if you’ll be quiet, follow me and help; if not, fly from me and hang yourself.  Wilt thou buy any pippins?

[Exit.

AMPEDO
Oh, how I grieve to see him thus transformed.
Yet from the circles of my jealous eyes
He shall not start till he have repossess’d
Those virtuous jewels, which found once again,
More cause they ne’er shall give me to complain.
Their worth shall be consum’d in murd’ring flames
And end my grief, his riot, and our shames.                                    [Exit.

Proceed to the next scene

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