Match Me in London – Act Two, Scene Two

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Enter LADY DILDOMAN, TORMIELLA, and KING.

LADY DILDOMAN
Low stools, pray sit.  My man shall fetch the stuffs
And after dinner you shall have those stones.
A cup of wine; what drink you?  Love you, bastard!
I’ll give you to the best in Spain.

TORMIELLA
No wines at all.

LADY DILDOMAN
Have you been married long?

TORMIELLA
Not long.

LADY DILDOMAN
I think
Your wedding shoes have not been oft unti’d.

TORMIELLA
Some three times.

LADY DILDOMAN
Pretty soul.  No more.  Indeed,
You are the youngest vine I e’er saw planted;
So full of hope for bearing; methinks ‘tis pity
A citizen should have so fair a tree
Grow in his garden.

TORMIELLA
I think him best worthy
To pluck the fruit that sets it.

LADY DILDOMAN
Oh, you’d ha shone
At court like a full constellation.
Your eyes are orbs of stars.

TORMIELLA
Muse my man stays.

LADY DILDOMAN
Your man is come and sent to fetch your husband.
Trust me you shall not hence till you have fill’d
This banqueting room with some sweet thing or other.
Your husband’s wondrous kind to you.

TORMIELLA
As the sun
To the new-married spring, the spring to th’earth.

LADY DILDOMAN
Some children look most sweetly at their birth
That after prove hard favour’d, and so do husbands.

TORMIELLA
Mine shall show none.

LADY DILDOMAN
I do not wish it should,
Yet be not too much kept under, for when you would
You shall not rise.

TORMIELLA
Umh!

LADY DILDOMAN
I was once as you are;
Young, and perhaps as fair; it was my fate
Whilst summer lasted and that beauty rear’d
Her colours in my cheeks, to serve at court.
The king of Spain that then was, eye’d me oft,
Lik’d me, and lov’d me, woo’d me, at last won me.

TORMIELLA
‘Twas well you were no city.

LADY DILDOMAN
Why?

TORMIELLA
It seems
You yielded ere you needed.

LADY DILDOMAN
Nay, you must think
He ply’d me with fierce batteries and assaults.
You are coy now, but, alas, how could you fight
With a king’s frowns!  Your womanish appetite
Were’t ne’er so dead and cold would soon take fire
At honours; all women should be lifted higher.
Would you not stoop to take it, and thrust your hand
Deep as a king’s in treasure, to have lords
Fear you, t’have life or death fly from your words?
The first night that I lay in’s princely arms
I seem’d transform’d; methought Jove’s own right hand
Has snatch’d me up and in his starry sphere
Plac’d me, with other of his lemmans there.
Yet was he but the shadow, I the sun.
In a proud zodiac I my course did run.
Mine eye beams was the dial’s stile, and had power
To rule his thoughts, as that commands the hour.
Oh, you shall find upon a prince’s pillow
Such golden dreams.

TORMIELLA
I find ‘em.

LADY DILDOMAN
Cry you mercy.

TORMIELLA
My husband comes not; I dare not stay.

LADY DILDOMAN
You must.

KING
You shall.

LADY DILDOMAN
Before you lies your way,
Beaten out by me.  If you can follow, do.

TORMIELLA
What means this?  Are their bawds ladies too?

KING
Why shake you?  Fear not.  None hear dreads your life.

TORMIELLA
Shall not a lamb tremble at the butcher’s knife?
Let go your hold; keep off!  What violent hands
Soever force me, ne’er shall touch woman more.
I’ll kill ten monarchs ere I’ll be one’s whore.

KING
Hear me.

TORMIELLA
Avoid, thou devil!

LADY DILDOMAN
Thou puritan fool!

TORMIELLA
Oh, thou base otter hound!  Help, help!

KING
In vain.

TORMIELLA
The best in Spain shall know this.

LADY DILDOMAN
The best now knows it.

TORMIELLA
Good pitch, let me not touch thee.  Spain has a king.
If from his royal throne justice be driven,
I shall find right at the king’s hands of heaven.

LADY DILDOMAN
This is the king.

TORMIELLA
The king!  Alas, poor slave!
A raven struck with swan’s feathers; scarecrow dress’d brave!

KING
Do you not know me?

TORMIELLA
Yes, for a whoremonger.

LADY DILDOMAN
No matter for her scolding.  A woman’s tongue
Is like the miraculous bell in Aragon
Which rings out without the help of man.

KING
Hear me; thou striv’st with thunder, yet this hand
That can shake kingdoms down, thrusts into thine
The sceptres.  If, proud fool, thou letst them fall,
Thou beatst thyself in pieces on a rock
That shall for ever ruin thee and thine.
Thy husband, and all opposites that dare
With us to cope, it shall not serve your turn
With your dim eyes to judge our beams; the light
Of common fires.  We can before thy sight
Shine in full splendour, though it suits us now
To suffer this base cloud to mask our brow.
Be wise, and when thou mayse, for lifting up
Thine arm, pluck stars, refuse them not.  I swear
By heaven I will not force thee ‘gainst thy blood.
When I send, come; if not, withstand thy good.
Go, get you home now.  This is all.  Farewell.

TORMIELLA
Oh me!  What way to heaven can be through hell?                                   [Exit.

KING
Why dive you so?

LADY DILDOMAN
I hope your majesty
Dare swear I ha’ play’d the pilot cunningly,
Fetching the wind about to make this pinnace
Strike sail as you desir’d.

KING
Th’art a damn’d bawd;
A soaking sodden, splay-foot, ill-look’d jade.
Not all the wits of kingdoms can enact
To save what by such gulfs as thou art wrack’d.
Thou whory wickedness, devil’s dam, dost thou think
Thy poisonous rotten breath shall blast our fame,
Or those furr’d gums of thine gnaw a king’s name?
If thou wouldst down before thy time, to thy crew;
Prate of this—yes, do; for gold any slave
May gorge himself on sweets.  King’s cannot have.
By help of such a hag as thou, I would not
Dishonour her for an empire.  From my sight!

LADY DILDOMAN
Well, sir.

KING
Give o’er your trade.

LADY DILDOMAN
I’ll change my copy.

KING
See you do.

LADY DILDOMAN
I will turn over a new leaf.

KING
We search for serpents, but being found, destroy them.
Men drink not poisons, thou they oft emply them.                            [Exit.

LADY DILDOMAN
Give o’er!  How live then?  No, I’ll keep that still.
If courtiers will not, I’m sure citizens will.                                           [Exit.

Proceed to the next scene

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