Match Me in London – Act Three, Scene Two

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Flourish.  Enter KING, QUEEN, TORMIELLA, Ladies, IAGO, MARTINES and ALPHONSO.

 KING
So, sweetness, I’ll now walk no longer with you.

QUEEN
Are you weary of my company?

KING
Never shall.
Prithee, keep thy chamber a while, the air bites.

QUEEN
‘Tis because the sun shines not so how as’t had wont.

KING
There’s some cloud between then.

QUEEN
Yes, and a horrible foul one.

KING
I see none but fair ones.

QUEEN
No.  Look yonder.  It comes from the city.

KING
Let it come.  By those roses I am angry that you let me not go.

QUEEN
Nay, look you, your grace takes all from me too; I pray, sir, give me my roses; your highness is too courteous.

KING
I must of necessity have one.

QUEEN
You shall, so you take it of my choosing.

KING
I will, so you choose that which I like.

QUEEN
Which will you have?  The bud, or that which is blown?

KING
The bud sure; I love no blown ware.

QUEEN
Take you bud then.                                        [Offers to go, and throws it down.

KING
Do you hear?  Are you angry?

QUEEN
No, you are jealous.  You are so loath to have me out of your sight.  You need not, for I keep the fashion of the kings of China who never walk abroad, but besides their attendants, have five or six as richly attired as themselves to cut off treason.

KING
So.

QUEEN
Here are others in the troop will be taken for queens sooner than I.

KING
You are vex’d I have prefer’d a creature to you?

QUEEN
Who dares check the sun if he make a stinking weed grow close to a bed of violets.  Vex’d!  Not I; and yet methinks you might give me leave to choose mine own woman as well as you do your men; I commend no man to you, for lifting join-stools to be one of your guard.

KING
Your muff.

QUEEN
[To TORMIELLA.] Take it, good wife.

KING
You will make me angry, good wife, so take it.

QUEEN
Now I hope you’ll take it; you need not scorn a queen’s leavings for a queen has had yours.

KING
What!                 [TORMIELLA takes up the muff and gives it to the QUEEN.

QUEEN
You see?  Does your majesty frown because I take it from her?
Come hither, put your hand here.  So, well met.
All friends now, yet though tied never so fast,
Being a bow knot, it slips itself as last.

[Exeunt QUEEN, TORMIELLA, Ladies and MARTINES.

KING
Is’t so?  Wert thou a diamond worth the world,
And ne’er so hard, yet thine own dust shall cut thee.
Go, call that lady back.

ALPHONSO
Which?

KING
Tormiella.
No, do not!  ‘Tis a cock the lion can fright;
The hen does’t now, the case is alter’d quite.

Enter Doctor.

DOCTOR
Your gracious pardon to call back a life
That’s half lost with despair.

KING
What hast thou done?

DOCTOR
Poison’d a man.

KING
Whom hast thou poison’d?

DOCTOR
The Queen’s father.

KING
Would it had been the daughter!  Thou shalt feel
A double death; one here, and one in hell.

DOCTOR
I must have company with me then.  Don John,
Your highness brother, set against my throat—

KING
Back.

DOCTOR
His arm’s sword; I had died, had I not done’t.

KING
Our guard.
Go fetch Don John our brother to the court.

DOCTOR
A word in your highness’ ear.

KING
Search him.

OMNES
He has nothing.

DOCTOR
Ay, instead of poison,
Gave him a sleepy potion; he’s preserv’d.
Don John thinks not.  The noble admiral
Fears plots against his life, forbears the court
But sends me to your grace to bit you set
Your footing stiff and strongly, for Don John
Trips at your life and kingdom; to his throat
Valasco this will justify.

KING
He shall.
Go you and fetch him securely to court.
Alphonso, take the Doctor and return.
Death!  When!                                      [Exeunt  ALPHONSO and Doctor.
Iago, with your smoothest face go greet
Don John from us, say we have work of state,
Both presently and closely bid him come.

IAGO
I shall.                                                                                                [Exit.

Enter GAZETTO, disguised as LUPO.

KING
How now, what’s he?  Give us leave; come hither.
We have perus’d your paper, sir, and think
Your promises spring tides, but we fear you’ll ebb
In your performance.

GAZETTO
My deeds and speeches, sir,
Are lines drawn from one center; what I promise
To do, I’ll do, or lose this.

KING
You give me physic
After I’m dead; the Portugals and we
Have hung our drums up, and you offer here
Models of fortification, as if a man
Should when war’s done, set up an armourer’s shop.

GAZETTO
I bid you set up none, sir; you may choose.

KING
This fellow I’ll fitly cast i’th’villain’s mold.
I find him crafty, envious, poor, and bold.
Into a saw I’ll turn thee, to cut down
All trees which stand in my way.  What’s thy name?

GAZETTO
You may read in my paper.

KING
“Lupo Vindicados.”  Umh! Nay, we shall employ you;
Merit went never from us with a forehead,
Wrinkled or sullen; what place would you serve in?

GAZETTO
Any, but one of your turn broaches.  I would not be one of your black guard, there’s too much fire in me already.

KING
You say you have the languages?

GAZETTO
Yes.

KING
What think you of an intelligencer?  We’ll send you—

GAZETTO
To th’gallows; I love not to be hang’d in state.

KING
You having travell’d, as you said, so far,
And knowing so much, I muse thou art so poor.

GAZETTO
Had the confusion of all tongues began
In building me, could I sing sweet in all,
I might go beg and hand.  I ha’ seen Turks
And Jews, and Christians, but of all, the Christians
Have driest hands; they’ll see a brother starve,
But give ducks to a water-spaniel.

KING
Well observ’d.
Come, sir, faith let’s crow together.  In what stamp
Dost thou coin all thy  languages?

GAZETTO
I do speak English
When I’d most pity; when dissemble, Irish,
Dutch when I reel, and though I feed on scallions;
If I should brag gentility, I’d gabble Welch;
If I betray, I’m French; if full of braves,
They swell in lofty Spanish; in neat Italian
I court my wench; my mess is all serv’d up.

KING
Of what religion art thou?

GAZETTO
Of yours.

KING
When you were in France?

GAZETTO
French.

KING
Without there!

Enter ALPHONSO.

 ALPHONSO
Sir?

KING
Give this gentleman five hundred pistolets.
Be near us.

GAZETTO
[Aside to KING.] In thy bosom, for thy pistolets
I’ll give thee pistols, in a peace might ha’ been mine
Thou shootst or meanst to shoot, but I’ll charge thine.
Thy heart off goes it in thunder.

KING
Through the gallery
Unseen convey him hither; give us leave, sir.

GAZETTO
Leave have you.                              [Exeunt GAZETTO and ALPHONSO.

Enter DOCTOR, VALASCO and ALPHONSO after them.

VALASCO
I’m glad to see your majesty.

KING
You have reason.

VALASCO
I was going to cry all hid.

KING
Come hither,
Dead man, you’ll justify this treason?

VALASCO
To his teeth,
Throat, mouth to mouth, body to body.

KING
So.

Enter IAGO.

IAGO
Don John of Castille’s come.

KING
A chair.  Stand you
Full here and stir not; front him, bring him in.
How now, did a hare cross your way?

Enter JOHN.

JOHN
[Aside.] The devil!
[Aloud.] Doctor, I’ll give you a purge for this.  I’ll make
Your highness laugh.

KING
You must tickle me soundly then.

JOHN
In this retreat of mine from court, my body,
Which was before a clean stream, growing foul
By my mind’s trouble, through your high displeasure
Which went to th’bottom of my heart; I call’d
That sound card to me, gave him fees and bid him,
By all the fairest props that art could rear,
To keep my health from falling, which I felt
Tottering and shaken, but my uninalist,
As if he sate in barber-surgeon’s hall
Reading anatomy lectures, left to artery
Unstretch’d upon the tenters.

KING
So he vex’d you to the guts.

JOHN
My bowels were his conjuring rooms; to quit him,
I tempted him to poison a great man.
I, knowing this my honourable friend—

VALASCO
Keep back!  He’ll poison my glove else.

JOHN
Coming to visit me,
This was the man must die.

KING
Why did you this?

JOHN
Only to hatch a jest on my pill’d doddy.
I knew he durst not do’t.

KING
But say he had?

VALASCO
Then he had been hang’d.

JOHN
That had made me more glad.

DOCTOR
I am bound to your lordship.

JOHN
Being a doctor, you may loose yourself.

KING
Men’s lives, then, are your balls.  Disarm him.

JOHN
How!
Not all thy kingdom can!                                                     [Draws.

KING
Hew him in pieces!
Our guard, s’death kill him.

JOHN
See then, I put myself into your den.
What does the lion now with me?

KING
Thou’rt a traitor!

JOHN
I am none.

KING
No!

VALASCO
Yes, an arrant traitor!

JOHN
You, sir,
Spit all thy poison forth.

VALASCO
No, I drank none, sir.

KING
Come to your proofs, and see you put ‘em home.

VALASCO
You and I one day, being in conference,
You nam’d this noble king, my sovereign,
A tyrant; bid me strike, ‘twas now my time,
Spake of a piece charg’d, and of shooting off,
Of stirring up the rascals to rebel,
And to be short, to kill thee.

JOHN
I speak this!

VALASCO
Yes, traitor, thou!

JOHN
Where?

VALASCO
In your chamber.

JOHN
Chamber!
Was it not when you told me that the king
Had got a strumpet?

KING
Ha!

VALASCO
How?

JOHN
A citizen’s wife;
‘Twas when you swore to play him soundly.

VALASCO
See, see!

JOHN
The people’s hearts were full.

VALASCO
Pox a’ my heart then!

JOHN
Or was’t not when you threaten’d to take all
Into your own hands?

VALASCO
There’s my glove, thou liest!

KING
Good stuff; I shall find traitors of you both;
If you are, be so; with my finger, thus,
I fan away the dust flying in mine eyes
Rais’d by a little wind; I laugh at these now,
‘Tis smoke, and yet because you shall not think
We’ll dance in earthquakes, or throw squibs at thunder,
I charge you both keep your chambers for a day
Or so.

VALASCO
Your will.                                                                             [Exit.

JOHN
Chambers!

KING
We bid it.

JOHN
You may.                                                                     [Exit.

Enter QUEEN and Ladies.

OMNES
The queen!

QUEEN
I thank you highness for the bird you gave me.

KING
What bird?

QUEEN
Your tassel gentle; she’s lur’d off
And gone.

KING
How, gone?  What, gone!

QUEEN
Your woman’s fled,
Whom you prefer’d to me; she’s stol’n from the court.

KING
You jest.

QUEEN
Be it so.                                                                     [Goes away.

KING
I have hotter news for you:
Your father’s head lies here; art thou still shooting
Thy stings into my sides?  Now do you look
I should turn wild and send through all the winds
Horsemen in quest of her, because you wear
A kind of yellow stocking.  Let her fly.
If Jove, forsooth, would fix a star in heaven,
Juno runs mad; thou better mightst have spurn’d
The gates of hell ope, then to look into
Our bosom.

QUEEN
Where your trull lies.

KING
Y’are a toad.

QUEEN
Woman’s revenge awake thee; thou has stirr’d
A blood as hot and high as is thine own.
Raise no more storms; your treasure is not gone.
I fear’d the sea was dangerous, and did sound it.
Mischief but half up, is with ease confounded.              [Exit.

KING
In thine own ruin; me canst thou hit
But with one finger which can do no harm,
But when a king strikes, ‘tis with his whole arm.           [Exit.

Proceed to the next scene

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