Match Me in London – Act Five, Scene Two

Return to previous scene

Enter TORMIELLA, MALEVENTO, and GAZETTO disguised as a Doctor.

 GAZETTO
Give me the key.  Make all fast.  Leave us.  I’ll screw her wits to the right place.

MALEVENTO
Apollo bless thee!                                                                                              [Exit.

TORMIELLA
Are not you a woollen-draper?

GAZETTO
Yes.

TORMIELLA
Whether is a woman’s life measured by the ell or the yard?

GAZETTO
All women by the yard, sure; it’s no life else.

TORMIELLA
I’m not near seventeen years old.  If I should die at these years am I not a fool?

GAZETTO
Yes, marry you are, for the law allows none to be of discretion till they come to twenty-one.

TORMIELLA
Out upon you!  You are a lawyer; pray, get you hence, for you’ll not leave me clothes to my back if I keep you company.  I’m mad enough now, and you’ll make me stark mad.

GAZETTO
I am what I seem; no doctor I,
But by your husband send in this disguise
To sound your bosom.

TORMIELLA
You bob for eels, do you not?

GAZETTO
Here has he lock’d his mind up, but for me
To put a burning linstock in a hand
That may give fire, and send my soul in powder,
I know not.  Pardon me.  Fare you well, lady.

TORMIELLA
Hist, do you hear?

GAZETTO
The eyes of mercy guard thee.
Wert known for what I ventur’d thus, ‘twere death.
I’ll to your husband.

TORMIELLA
Stay, I am not mad,
Yet I have cause to rave.  My wits like bells
Are backward rung, only to fright the tyrant
That whiles his wild lust wanders, I may fly
To my sweet husband’s arms; here I have hid
The trains I mean to lay for mine escape.                                         [Shows letters.

GAZETTO
Excellent.  He shall second you.

TORMIELLA
Should any watch us!

GAZETTO
All’s fast; run mad again then; the King things
Me some rare fellow; you shall leave the court
Now if you’ll taste my counsel.

TORMIELLA
I’ll drink gall
To cure me of this sickness.

GAZETTO
Sit then down here,
I’ll bind you fast because it shall appear
That you grow worse and worse; then I will tell
The King the only course to leave you well
Is to remove you home to mine own lodging.
I’ll bind you.

TORMIELLA
Forever to thee.

GAZETTO
Only hence, you may fly
To th’straights, and then cross over to Barbery.
So th’art a strumpet.

TORMIELLA
What’s that you speak?

GAZETTO
A damn’d one.
Dost thou not know me?  I am Gazetto.

TORMIELLA
Mercy!

GAZETTO
Who like a ball of wild-fire have been toss’d
To make others sport, but here I burst and kill.
A perjur’d strumpet.

TORMIELLA
I am none.  My father swore
That I should marry thee, and then a tiger
And a lamb had been together; I ne’er was thine,
Nor never will be.

GAZETTO
Swear thou art not mine,
That when I see thy heart drunk with hot oaths
This fiend may pitch thee reeling into hell.
Swear that thou art not mine.

TORMIELLA
By heaven, I am not.
To prove I swear right to thee; change that weapon,
See at my girdle hang my wedding knives.
With those dispatch me.

GAZETTO
To th’heart?

TORMIELLA
Aim right,
I beseech thee.

GAZETTO
I’ll not kill thee now for spite,
Because thou begst it.

TORMIELLA
Then, good villain, spare me!

GAZETTO
Neither.  Here’s that shall sink thee.  To the King
Thy juggling and these letters shall be shown.

TORMIELLA
Upon thy head be my confusion.
The King, I shall both feed hi rage and lust.
First doom me to any tortures.

GAZETTO
Thou shall then swear,                                                              [Unbinds her.
Because I know he’ll force the tie a knot
The church shall see and sigh at; if he marries thee,
Swear when he comes to touch thy naked side
To bury him in those sheets; thou art his bride.

TORMIELLA
By heaven that night’s his last; my just heart keeps
This vow graven there.

GAZETTO
Till then my vengeance sleeps.
Where is the King?

Enter KING, IAGO, ALPHONSO and MALEVENTO.

                               I have refin’d
That chaos which confounded her fair mind.

KING
Move in thy voice the spheres, when next thou speaks, Tormiella.

TORMIELLA
I am well.  My fearful dream
Is vanish’d, thanks to heaven, and that good man.

KING
Thou giv’st me another crown.  Oh, Vindicados,
The axletree on which my kingdom moves
Leans on thy shoulders.  I am all thine, Tormiella;
Bright Cynthia, look not pale; Endymion here;
Hymen shall fetch a leap from heaven t’alight
Full in thine arms.  Back, thou black ominous night!

[Exeunt.  Manent  GAZETTO.

Enter CORDOLENTE.

CORDOLENTE
Signior Lupo, why Don, not know me?  I am the poor shopkeeper whose ware is taken up by the king.

GAZETTO
You lie.

CORDOLENTE
True, as judges do with their wives very seldom, I am Cordolente, a poor gudgeon diving thus under water, to see how Neptune and his mermaids swim together, but dare not come near him, for fear he sets dogfish to devour me.

GAZETTO
An excellent mask against the marriage; now get a private coat; the king means to have you stabb’d.

CORDOLENTE
He does that already, with the bodkin that sticks in my wife’s hair.

GAZETTO
He has not the patience to stay the dressing of his meat of thy providing; he will have it taken up and eat the flesh raw; he will be married incontinently.

CORDOLENTE
Will she set her hands to my horns?

GAZETTO
Yes, and set them to your head; she follows the steps of her old grandma; all evils take their names from her; the ills of Eve, thy wife for the hoop ring thou marriedst her withal, hath sworn to send thee a death’s head.

CORDOLENTE
Sworn!

GAZETTO
Sworn.  Were thy case my case, I would set a devil at her elbow in the very church.  I would kill her as she gave away her hand.

CORDOLENTE
Wilt help me to a fit circle to play the devil in?

GAZETTO
I’ll place thee.  I’ll put thy foot into the stirrup.

CORDOLENTE
And I will rid the world of one of his diseases, a loose woman.

GAZETTO
Farewell.  Eat her very heart.                                                                               [Exit.

CORDOLENTE
As we feed one upon another, hungerly                                                             [Exit.

Proceed to the next scene

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