Match Me in London – Act Two, Scene One

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A shop opened; enter BILBO and  LAZARILLO.

 BILBO
Lazarillo, art bound yet?

LAZARILLO
No, but my indentures are made.

BILBO
Make as much haste to seal, as younger brothers do at taking up of commodities; for, Lazarillo, there’s not any Diego that threads upon Spanish leather goes more upright upon the soles of his conscience than out master does.

LAZARILLO
Troth, so I think, now I like my little smirking mistress as well.

BILBO
Like her; did not I like her simply, to run away from her father, where I had both men servants and maid servants under me, to wear a flat cap here and cry “What do you lack?”

Enter Gallants.

 LAZARILLO
What is’t you lack, gentlemen?  Rich garters, spangled roses, silk stocking, embroidered gloves or girdles?

BILBO
Don, sweet don, see here rich Tuscan hatbands, Venetian ventoys, or barbarian shoe-strings—no point.                                                                          [Exeunt Gallants.

LAZARELLO
Their powder is dankish and will not take fire.

BILBO
Reach that paper of gloves; what mark is’t?

LAZARELLO
P and Q.

Enter MALEVENTO.

BILBO
P and Q.  Chafe these, chafe, chafe.  Here’s a world to make shopkeepers chafe.

LAZARILLO
What is’t you buy, sir?  Gloves, garters, girdles?

BILBO
Lazarillo, Lazarillo, my old master, Andrada Malevento.  Do you hear, sir?  The best hangers in Spain for your worship.

MALEVENTO
Umh!  I have known that voice, what!  Run away!  Why, how now, Bilbo?  Grown a shopkeeper?

BILBO
Jogging on, sir, in the old path to be call’d upon to bear all offices, I hope one day.

MALEVENTO
‘Tis well.  Good fortunes bless you!

BILBO
Turn’d citizen, sir, a counter you see still before me, to put me in mind of my end, and what I must go to, if I trust too many with my ware; it`s news to see your worship in Seville.

MALEVENTO
‘Tis true.  But, Bilbo, no news yet of my daughter?

BILBO
None.

MALEVENTO
Not any?

BILBO
What will your worship give me if I melt way all that sow of lead that lies heavy at yoru heart, by telling you where she is?

MALEVENTO
Prithee, step forth.  Speak softly.  Thou warm’st my blood.  I’ll give thee the best suit prentice e’er wore.

BILBO
And I can tell you prentices are as gallant now as some that walk with my cousin Bilbo at their sides; you can scarce know ‘em for prentices of Seville.

MALEVENTO
Fly to the mark, I prithee.

BILBO
Now I draw home.  Do you see this shop?  This shop is my master’s.

MALEVENTO
So, so, what of all this?

BILBO
That master lies with my young mistress, and that mistress is your daughter.

MALEVENTO
Ha!

BILBO
Mum.  She’s gone forth this morning to a wedding; he’s above, but, as great men have done, he’s coming down.

Enter CORDOLENTE.

MALEVENTO
Is this he?

BILBO
This is he.

CORDOLENTE
Look to the shop.

MALEVENTO
Pray, sir, a word.

CORDOLENTE
You shall.

MALEVENTO
You do not know me?

CORDOLENTE
Trust me, not well.

MALEVENTO
Too well, thou hast undone me.
Thou art a civil thief with looks demure
As is thy habit, but a villain’s heart.

CORDOLENTE
Sir—

MALEVENTO
Hear me, sir.  To rob me of that fire
That fed my life with heat, my only child,
Turn her into—

CORDOLENTE
What, sir!  She’s my wife.

MALEVENTO
Thy strumpet.  She’s a disobedient child
To cross my purposes.  I promis’d her
To a man whom I had chosen to be her husband.

CORDOLENTE
She lov’d him not.  Was she contracted to him?
Can he lay claim to her by law?

MALEVENTO
I’ll swear
She told me I should rule her; that she was
Affi’d to no other man, and that to please me
She would only take Gazetto.

CORDOLENTE
I will forbear, sir,
To vex you.  What she spake so was for fear.
But I ha’ done; no beggar has your child;
I crave no dowry with her, but your love;
For hers, I know I have it.

MALEVENTO
Must I not see her?

CORDOLENTE
You shall, but now she’s forth, sir.

MALEVENTO
She has crack’d
My very heart-strings quite in sunder.

CORDOLENTE
Her love
And duty shall, I hope, knit all more strongly.
Sir, I beseech your patience; when my bosom
Is laid all open to you, you shall find
An honest heart there, and  you will be glad
You ha’ met the thief that robb’d you and forgive him.
I am engag’d to business craves some speed.
Please you be witness to it.

MALEVENTO
Well, I shall.
Parents with milk feed chidren, they them with gall.[Exeunt MALEVENTO and CORDOLENTE.

BILBO
As kind an old man, Lazarillo, as ever drunk mull’d sack.

LAZARILLO
So it seems, for I saw him weep like a cut vine.

BILBO
Weep!  I warrant that was because he could not find in’s heart to have my master by th’ears.

Enter TORMIELLA.

 LAZARILLO
My mistress!

BILBO
Chafe, chafe.

TORMIELLA
Where’s your master?

BILBO
Newly gone forth, forsooth.

TORMIELLA
Whether, with whom?

BILBO
With my old master, your father.

TORMIELLA
Ha!  My father!  When came he?  Who was with him?
What said he?  How did my husband use him?

BILBO
As officers at court use citizens that come without their wives, scarce made him drink but they are gone very lovingly together.

TORMIELLA
That’s well.  My heart has so ach’d since I went forth, I am glad I was out of the peals of thunder.  Ask’d he not for me?  Was Gazetto with him?  Luke, was not he with him, ha?

BILBO
No, only the old man.

TORMIELLA
That’s well.  Reach my workbasket.  Is the embroidered muff perfum’d for the lady?

BILBO
Yes, forsooth; she never put her hand into a sweeter thing.

TORMIELLA
Are you sure Gazetto was not with my father?

BILBO
Unless he wore the invisible cloak.

TORMIELLA
Bless me from that disease and I care not; one fit of him would soon send me to my grave. My heart so throbs.

Enter GAZETTO, disguised as LUPO, and Officers.

 LAZARILLO
What is’t you lack?

BILBO
Fine garters, gloves, glasses, girdles; what is’t you buy?

GAZETTO
I have a warrant, you see, from the King to search all Seville for the woman that did this murder; the act of which has made me mad; miss no shop, let me have that which I can buy in some country for seven groats—justice.

OFFICER
Your searching house by house this is so spread abroad that ‘tis as bad as a scarecrow to fright away the bird you seek to catch.  Methinks if you walk soberly alone from shop to shop, your bad fowling would catch more wagtails.

GAZETTO
Well shot, Sagittarius.  I’ll nock as thou bidst me.

OFFICER
What think you of yonder parrot i’th’cage?

GAZETTO
A rope—ha—puff—is the wind with me?

LAZARILLO
What stares the man at so?

OFFICER
His wits are reel’d a little out of the roadway; nothing else.

BILBO
Alas, mistress, this world is able to make any man mad.

GAZETTO
Ha, ha, ha, ha!

OFFICER
What do you laugh at?  Is this she?

GAZETTO
No, but I saw a dove fly by that had eaten carrion; it show’d like a corrupt churchman.  Farewell.

OFFICER
Do you discharge us then.

GAZETTO
As hail shot at a dunghill where crows are.                              [Exeunt Officers.
Th’art mine.  Thanks, vengeance; thou as last art come,
Though with wooly feet, be quick now and strike home.                          [Exit.

Enter KING and LADY DILDOMAN.

 LAZARILLO
What is’t you lack?

BILBO
What is’t you buy?

LADY DILDOMAN
That’s she.

KING
Peace.  Madam, let’s try here.

BILBO
What is’t you lack, sir?

KING
A glove with an excellent perfume.

BILBO
For yourself, sir?

KING
I would fit myself, sir, but I am not for a woman; a pretty little hand; the richest you have.

LADY DILDOMAN
About the bigness of this gentlewoman’s hand will serve.

KING
Yes, faith, madam, at all adventures I’ll make this my measure, shall I mistress?

TORMIELLA
As you please, sir.

KING
It pleases me well.

BILBO
Then, sir, go no farder; here’s the fairest in all Spain; fellow it and take mine for a dogskin.

LADY DILDOMAN
Pray, forsooth, draw it on; if it fit you it fits the party, surely.

BILBO
Nay, madam, the glove is most genuine for any young lady’s hand under the cope, I assure you.

KING
Ay, but the leather.

BILBO
Nay, the leather is affable and apt to be drawn to any generous disposition.

KING
Pray, fair lady, does it not come on to stiff?

TORMIELLA
No, sir, very gently.

BILBO
Stiff; as prolixious as you please.  Nay, sir, the scent is aromatical and most odorous; the musk, upon my word, sir, is perfect cathayne; a tumbasine odour upon my credit; not a grain either of your salmindy, carom or cubit musk.

KING
Adulterated, I doubt.

BILBO
No adultery in the world in’t; no sophistication but pure as it comes from the cod.

TORMIELLA
Open more, you shall have what choice you please.

BILBO
You shall have all the ware open’d i’th’shop to please your worship, but you shall be fitted.

KING
No, no, it needs not.  That which is open’d already shall serve my turn.

LADY DILDOMAN
Will you go farther, son, and see better?

KING
And perhaps speed worse?  No.  Your price?

BILBO
Four double pistolets.

KING
How!

BILBO
Good ware cannot be too dear.  Look upon the cost, relish the scene, note the workmanship.

KING
Your man is too hard.  I’ll rather deal with you.  Three I’ll give you.

LADY DILDOMAN
Come, pray, take it.  Will three fetch ‘em?

TORMIELLA
Indeed, we cannot; it stands my husband in more.

KING
Well, lay these by.  A cordovant for myself.

BILBO
The best in Seville.  Lack you no rich Tuscan garters, Venetian ventoys, madam?  I have masks most methodical and facetious.  Assay this glove, sir?

KING
The leather is too rough.

BILBO
You shall have a fine smooth skin please your feeling better, but all our Spanish dons choose that which is most rough, for it holds out, sweat you never so hard.

KING
The price?

BILBO
The price!  Four crowns.   I have excellent Hungarian shag bands, madam, for ladies, cut out of the same piece that the great Turk’s tolibant was made of.

KING
The great Turk be damn’d.

BILBO
Do you want any French codpiece points, sir?

KING
Pox on ‘em; they’ll not last.  They’re burnt in the dying.

BILBO
If they be black they are rotten indeed.  Sir, do you want no rich spangled Morosco shoe strings?

KING
I like this beard-brush, but that the hair’s too stiff.

BILBO
Flexable as you can wish.  The very bristles of the same swine that are fatten’d in Virginia.

LADY DILDOMAN
What comes all to before us?

BILBO
It comes to four, five, six in all; six double pistolets, and a Spanish ducat over.

KING
Too dear. Let’s go.

BILBO
Madam, worshipful don, pray, sir, offer, if any shop show you the like ware—

LADY DILDOMAN
Prithee, peace, fellow!  [Aside to KING] How de’ like her?

KING
[Aside.] Rarely.  What lure canst thou to fetch her off?

LADY DILDOMAN
Leave that to me.  Give me your purse.

BILBO
Do you hear, madam?

KING
The fatel ball is cast, and though it fires
All Spain, burn let it, hot as my desires.
Have you dispatch’d?

LADY DILDOMAN
Yes.

BILBO
I assure your worship, my master will be a loser by you.

KING
It may be so, but  your mistress will not say so.

LADY DILDOMAN
Son, I tell her of the rich embroidered stuff at home for the tops of gloves, and to make me muffs, if it please the gentlewoman to take  her ma along, she shall not only see them, but certain stones, which I will have set only in one pair.  I can tell you, you may so deal with me, you shall gain more than you think of.

BILBO
Mistress, strike in with her.

TORMIELLA
My husband is from home, and I want skill
To trade in such commodities, but my man
Shall wait upon your ladyship.

LADY DILDOMAN
Nay, nay, come you;
Your man shall go along to note my house
To fetch your husband; you shall dine with us.

KING
Faith, do, forsooth; you’ll not repent your match.

LADY DILDOMAN
Come, come, you shall.

TORMIELLA
I’ll wait upon you, madam.  Sirrah, your cloak.

BILBO
Make up that ware; look to th’shop.

TORMIELLA
If your master come in, request him to stay till your fellow come for him.

LADY DILDOMAN
Come, mistress, on son, nay, nay, indeed you shall not.
My glove, one of my gloves lost in your shop.

TORMIELLA
Run back, sirrah.

KING
Do; we’ll softly afore.

TORMIELLA
Make haste.                             [Exeunt KING, TORMIELLA and LADY DILDOMAN.

LAZARILLO
A glove!  I saw none.

BILBO
Nor I.  It dropped from her and somewhere else then.

LAZARILLO
I am call’d up to dinner, Bilbo.

BILBO
Are you?  Then make fast the shop door, and play out your set at maw, for the mistress of my master’s alley is trundled before and my bowls must rub after.

LAZARILLO
Fly then, and a great one.

BILBO
She’s out a’th’alley, i’th’crank belike.  Run, run, run.                        [Exeunt.

Proceed to the next scene

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