If This Be Not a Good Play – Act 5, scene 2

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Enter BARTERVILE as a Turk, and LURCHALL with the Courtiers.

 LURCHALL
Make the door sure; the house is round beset.

OMNES
Beset!

BARTERVILE
Put up; fear nothing.  Armies, should they enter,
Cannot here find you.

OMNES
How shall we escape?

BARTERVILE
Send for your trunks and jewels; I’ll ship you this night; meantime this unknown way leads to a cellar where a world cannot fetch you forth.  In, in; if danger pursue you, in a dry-fat I’ll pack you hence.

OMNES
Zounds!  Into the dungeon!

BARTERVILE
So, to Sardini.                          [Exeunt Courtiers.
Your cloaks and your gilt rapiers, down, down, down.

Enter KING as a Friar, aloof.

 KING
How soon meets Babel’s pride, confusion?

LURCHALL
What nest of birds are these new-kill’d with fear?

BARTERVILE
Foul cannot last long sweet, therefore kept there
In my cold cellar.  Stay, house beset?  What fees?

LURCHALL
Such as strike dead the heart, yet give no blows.
Sergeants.

BARTERVILE
This, foutre for them!  Proclamations, Lurchall,
Six thousand crowns are his; can these betray
Soon earned, we’ll share.  Fetch the Calabriam hither;
They are hearsay; damn ‘em!

LURCHALL
[Aside.] You shall be damn’d together.       [Exit.

KING
[Coming forward.] Where’s that devote sick man desires to take
Leave of this world?  Deus hic to all now here.

BARTERVILE
Now domine friar, what I to you confess
You are bound by oath to keep.

KING
I aver no less.

BARTERVILE
Keep then this close:  I am no Turk, not I,
But Bartervile disguised in policy.

KING
Are you the sick man?

BARTERVILE
Sick of a disease,
Bad as a plague to citizens, I must break,
Play a bankrout’s part, I have money of the kings,
Of merchants; I’ll keep all, these are city-sprigs.
Here lies Sergeant Leaguer; about my doors,
My house to me is an hospital, they the sores
Which up upon me vily; peep I but out,
To raise the Dunkirk’s siege, thus cast I about.

KING
Let’s hear, pray, how.

BARTERVILE
Thus, thus, sweet domine friar,
I’ll be like you, a Capuchine; so by your prior,
Subprior, and covent, I may be fetch’d hence
Spite of all shoulder-clapper’s violence.
Though the king should lay hands on my, I would not tarry.

KING
You need not.

BARTERVILE
You are my guard, my sanctuary.

KING
But what your level in this when this is done?

BARTERVILE
Alas!  What level but pure devotion?

KING
[Aside.] The devil you have!

BARTERVILE
When I die, there take all.
Will you go to your prior and tell this?                                        [A march afar.

KING
Yes, I shall.

BARTERVILE
I’ll send him an earnest penny, a hundred crowns,
As the first stone my charity builds upon.
What drom’s this?  Come, dispatch, friar, and be gone.
[As KING starts to leave, BARTERVILE takes off his disguise.

KING
Out of this hell, thou meanest.  Yes, I’ll fly from thee
As from the Devil’s hangman; thou’lt else betray me.
World, to what crest of villainy art thou grown,
When, of good men, whole kingdoms scarce breed one?                           [Exit.

Enter LURCHALL bound, and DUKE OF CALABRIA,
with ASTOLFO and Soldiers.

 LURCHALL
Here’s the Duke of Calabria, sir.  If you have made me tell a lie, they’ll send me of a voyage to the island of hogs and devils, the Bermudas; the duke, sir.

BARTERVILE
His grace is welcome, ‘las!  I had more need
To have physicians and apothecaries
Then fighters at my gates.  Lurchall, why come they?

CALABRIA
Deliver up those monsters in thy house
That have devoured a kingdom and the king.
‘Tis death to thee, and him, if thou detainst ‘em.

BARTERVILE
I detain ‘em, here, here, here.

ASTOLFO
Reward if thou deliver’st them.

BARTERVILE
I’m past rewarding in this world.  I look
Only for good men’s prayers, there’s the key, Lurchall.

CALABRIA
Unbind him.  Stay, why did thy house receive them?

BARTERVILE
Full sore against my will; the bed I rise from
Count I my death-bed, for, each minute, I look
When angels, heaven’s good porters, will let me in,
Yet, like my betters, I’m heavy laden with sin.
And being thus sick, and at last gasp, I sent
For my near’st cousin, my executor,
Who seeing brave bellows beating at my gates
Took ‘em for honest men, let ‘em in simply,
And undertook this night to ha’ shipp’d ‘em hence.
My faithful servant telling me this, in zeal
To you and my country, I bid him all reveal.

CALABRIA
Th’ast play’d a subject’s part in’t.

BARTERVILE
He’ll lead you to them.

CALABRIA
My lord, take force and seize ‘em; ne’er stand upon
More trials.  Give ‘em speedy execution.

ASTOLFO
Come, fellow.                       [Exeunt ASTOLFO and LURCHALL with Soldiers.

BARTERVILE
Your grace has done with me?

CALABRIA
Go, look to thy health.
The crowns the proclamation promised
Shall to thy man be pay’d.

BARTERVILE
Thanks to your grace.
‘Las what I did in this was for no hire.                                                       [Exit.

CALABRIA
Ha, ha!  The rent of a cellar never was do dear
On, beat the drum.

As they go off, enter OCTAVIO with RUFFMAN and a Guard.

 OCTAVIO
Are the rest ta’en?

CALABRIA
Yes.

OCTAVIO
The grand pirate’s here.
Here’s the devil’s bellows kindled all those fires
Which now are burning.  This is the snake, whose sting,
Being kept warm in the bosom of a king,
Struck him to the heart.  This he, who by the force
Of his damn’d arguments, was the first divorce
Of the king’s love; this is Bohor.

CALABRIA
This that serpent?
Y’have all, like traitors, wrought a prince’s fall
And all shall taste one death.

OCTAVIO
Sirrah, where’s the king?

RUFFMAN
Warrant me life, I’ll bring you to the place
Where you shall take him.

OCTAVIO
Wult thou betray him, slave?

RUFFMAN
Yes.

CALABRIA
Thou shalt have life.

RUFFMAN
And you the king shall have.

OCTAVIO
And the gallows shall have thee, else hang me.  Away!                       [Exeunt.

 

Proceed to the next scene

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