Northward Ho – Act 2, Scene 1

Return to previous scene

Enter HORNET, DOLL, LEVERPOOL, and CHARTLEY like Servingmen.

 HORNET
Am I like a fiddler’s base viol new set up in a good case, boys?  Is’t neat?  Is it terse? Am I handsome, ha?

OMNES
Admirable, excellent!

DOLL
An under sheriff cannot cover a knave more cunningly.

LEVERPOOL
‘Sfoot, if he should come before a church warden, he would make him a pew fellow with a lord’s steward at least.

HORNET
If I had but a staff in my hand, fools would think I were one of Simon and Jude’s gentleman ushers, and that my apparel were hir’d.  They say three tailors go to the making up of a man, I’m sure I had four tailors and a half went to the making of me thus.  This suit, though it had been canvas’d well, yet ‘tis no law-suit, for twice dispatch’d sooner than a posset on a wedding night.

DOLL
Why, I tell thee, Jack Hornet, if the devil and all the brokers in long land had rifled their wardrobe, they would ha’ been damn’d before they had fitted thee thus.

HORNET
Punk, I shall be a simple father for you.  How does my chain show now I walk?

DOLL
If thou wert hung in chains, thou couldst not show better.

CHARTLEY
But how sit our blue-coats on our backs?

DOLL
As they do upon bankrout retainer’s backs at Saint George’s feast in London, but at Westminster, it makes ‘em scorn the badge of their occupation.  There the baggage velure canioned hobbyhorses prance up and down as if some a’ the tilters had ridden ‘em.

HORNET
Nay, ‘sfoot, if they be bankrouts, ‘tis like some have ridden ‘em, and thereupon the citizen’s proverb rises, when he says, “he trusts to a broken staff.”

DOLL
Hornet, now you play my father, take heed you be not out of your part, and shame your adopted daughter.

HORNET
I will look gravely, Doll.  Do you see boys like the foreman of a jury, and speak wisely like a Latin schoolmaster, and be surly and dogged, and proud like the keeper of a prison.

LEVERPOOL
You must lie horribly when you talk of your lands.

HORNET
No shop-keeper shall out-lie me, nay, no fencer.  When I “hem,” boys, you shall duck; when I cough and spit gobbits, Doll—

DOLL
The pox shall be in your lungs, Hornet.

HORNET
No, Doll, these with their high shoes shall tread me out.

DOLL
All the lessons that I ha’ prick’d out for ‘em is when the weather-cock of my body turns toward them, to stand bare.

HORNET
And not to be saucy as servingmen are.

CHARTLEY
Come, come, we are no such creatures as you take us for.

DOLL
If we have but good draughts in my peter-boat, fresh salmon, you sweet villains shall be no meat with us.

HORNET
‘Sfoot, nothing moves my choler but that my chain is copper; but ‘tis no matter. Better men than old Jack Hornet have rode up Holburn, with as bad a thing about their necks as this.  Your right whiffler indeed hangs himself in Saint Martin’s. and not in Cheapside.

DOLL
Peace, somebody rings.  Run both, whilst he has the rope in’s hand.  If it be a prize, hale him; if a man a war, blow him up, or hang him out at the main yard’s end.

 [Exeunt LEVERPOOL and CHARTLEY.

 HORNET
But what ghosts—hold up my fine girl—what ghosts haunts thy house?

DOLL
Oh!  Why diverse?  I have a clothier’s factor or two; a grocer that would fain pepper me; a Welsh captain that lays hard siege; a Dutch merchant, that would spend all that he’s able to make i’th’low countries; but to take measure of my Holland sheets when I lie in ‘em.  I hear trampling, ‘tis my Flemish hoy.

Enter LEVERPOOL, CHARTLEY, and HANS VAN BELCH.

 HANS
Dar is vor you and vor you.  Een, twea, drie, vier, and vive skilling.  Drinks skellum upsey frieze.  Nempt, dats u drink gelt.

LEVERPOOL
Till our crowns crack again, Master Hans van Belch.

HANS
How is’t met you?  How is’t, vro?  Vrolick?

DOLL
Ick vare well, God dank you.  Nay, I’m an apt scholar and can take.

HANS
Dat is good, dot is good.  Ick can neet stay long, for ick heb en skip come now upon de vater.  O mine schoonen vro, we sall dance lanteera, teera, and sing ick drinks to you min here van.  Wat man is dat, vro?

HORNET
Nay, pray, sir, on.

HANS
What honds foot is dat, Dorothy?

DOLL
‘Tis my father.

HANS
Got’s sacrament!  Your fader!  Why seyghen you niet so to me!  Mine heart, ‘tis mine all great desire to call you mine vader ta for ick love dis schonen vro your dochterkin.

HORNET
Sir, you are welcome in the way of honesty.

HANS
Ick badanch, you.  Ick heb so ghe founden vader.

HORNET
What’s you name, I pray?

HANS
Min nom bin Hans van Belch.

HORNET
Hans van Belch!

HANS
Ya ya, ‘tis so, ‘tis so, de dronken man is alteet remember me.

HORNET
Do you play the merchant, son Belch?

HANS
Ya, fader.  Ick hed de skip swim now upon de vater.  If you endouty, go up in de little skip dat go so, and be pull’d up to Wapping; Ick sal bear you on my back, and hang you about mine nech into mine groet skip.

HORNET
He says, Doll, he would have thee to Wapping and hang thee.

DOLL
No, father, I understand him.  But, Master Hans, I would not be seen hanging about any man’s neck, to be counted his jewel, for any gold.

HORNET
Is your father living, Master Hans?

HANS
Ya, ya, min vader heb schonen husen, in Ausburgh.  Groet mine hier is mine vader’s broder; mine vader heb land, and bin full of fee, dat is beasts, cattle.

CHARTLEY
He’s lousy, belike.

HANS
My vader bin de groetest fooker in all Ausburgh.

DOLL
The greatest what?

LEVERPOOL
Fooker, he says.

DOLL
Out upon him!

HANS
Ya, ya, fooker is en groet min here.  He’s en elderman vane city, gots sacrament.  [A watch] Wat is de clock?  Ick neit stay.

HORNET
Call his watch before you, if you can.

DOLL
Here’s a pretty thing.  Do these wheels spin up the hours?  What’s a clock?

HANS
Acht.  Ya, ‘tis acht.

DOLL
We can hear neither clock, nor Jack going.  We dwell in such a place that I fear I shall never find the way to church, because the bells hang so far.  Such a watch as this would make me go down with the lamb and be up with the lakes.

HANS
Seghan you so, dor it to.

DOLL
O fie!  I do but jest, for in truth I could never abide watch.

HANS
Got’s sacrament! Ick niet heb it any more. [Exeunt LEVERPOOL and CHARTLEY.

DOLL
Another peal!  Good father, launch out this Hollander.

HORNET
Come, Master Belch, I will bring you to the water-side, perhaps to Wapping, and there I’ll leave you.

HANS
Ick bedanck you vader.                                                            [Exeunt all but DOLL.

DOLL
They say whores and bawds go by clocks, but what a manases is this to buy twelve hours so dearly, and then be begg’d out of ‘em so easily?  He’ll be out at heels shortly sure for he’s out about the clocks already.  O, foolish young man, how dost thou spend thy time?

Enter LEVERPOOL first, then ALLUM and CHARTLEY.

 LEVERPOOL
Your grocer.

DOLL
Nay ‘sfoot, then I’ll change my tune.  I may curse such leaden-heel’d rascals.  Out of my sight!  A knife, a knife, I say!  O, Master Allum, if you love a woman, draw out your knife and undo me, undo me!

ALLUM
Sweet Mistress Dorothy, what should you do with a knife?  It’s too ill-meddling with edge tools.  What’s the matter, mistress? Knife, God bless us!

LEVERPOOL
‘Sfoot, what tricks at noddy are these?

DOLL
Oh, I shall burst if I cut not my lace.  I’m so vexed!  My father, he’s rid to court one way about a matter of a thousand pound weight, and one of his men, like a rogue as he is, is rid another way for rents.  I look’d to have him up yesterday, and up to-day, and yet he shows not his head.  Sure he’s run away, or robb’d and run through, and here was a scrivener but even now, to put my father in mind of a bond, that will be forfeit this night if the money be not paid, Master Allum.  Such cross fortune!

ALLUM
How much is the bond?

CHARTLEY
[Aside.] O, rare little villain!

DOLL
My father could take up, upon the business of the word, five hundred pound, and five too.

ALLUM
What is the debt?

DOLL
But he scorns to be, and I scorn to be—

ALLUM
Pray thee, sweet Mistress Dorothy, vex not, how much is it?

DOLL
Alas, Master Allum, ‘tis but poor fifty pound.

ALLUM
If that be all, you shall upon your word take up so much with me.  Another time I’ll run as far in your books.

DOLL
Sir, I know not how to repay this kindness.  But when my father—

ALLUM
Tush, tush, ‘tis not worth the talking.  Just fifty pound?  When is it to be pay’d?

DOLL
Between one and two.

LEVERPOOL
That’s we three.

ALLUM
Let one of your men go along, and I’ll send you fifty pound.

DOLL
You so bind me, sir.  Go, sirrah.  Master Allum, I ha’ some quinces brought from my house i’th’country to preserve.  When shall we have any good sugar at such an excessive rate?  You pay sweetly now, I warrant, sir, do you not?

ALLUM
You shall have a whole chest of sugar if you please.

DOLL
Nay, by my faith, four or five loves will be enough, and I’ll pay you at my first child, Master Allum.

ALLUM
Content, i’faith.  Your man shall bring all under one.  I’ll borrow a kiss of you at parting.

Enter CAPTAIN JENKINS.

 DOLL
You shall, sir, I borrow more of you.          [Exeunt ALLUM and LEVERPOOL.

CHARTLEY
Save you, Captain.

DOLL
Welcome, good Captain Jenkins.

CAPTAIN
What is he, a barber’s servant, that dress’d your lips so?

DOLL
A barber!  He’s my tailor.  I bid him measure how high he would make the standing collar of my new taffety gown before, and he as tailors will be saucy and lickerish, laid me o’er the lips.

CAPTAIN
Ud’s blood!  I’ll lay him cross upon his coxcomb to stand with a knave.

DOLL
You know ‘tis not for a gentlewoman to stand with a knave for a small matter, and so I would not strive with him, only to be rid of him.

CAPTAIN
If I take Master Prick-Loose ramping so high again, by this iron, which is none a god’s angel, I’ll make him know how to kiss your blind cheeks sooner.  Mistress Dorothy Hornet, I would not have you be a hornet, to lick at cow’s herds, but to sting such shreds of rascality.  Will you sing a tailor shall have me my joy?

DOLL
Captain, I’ll be led by you in any thing.  A tailor?  Foh!

CAPTAIN
Of what stature or size have you a stomach to have your husband now?

DOLL
Of the meanest stature, Captain.  Not a size longer than your self, nor shorter.

CAPTAIN
By god, ‘tis well said!  All your best captain in the Low Countries are as taller as I; but why of my pitch, Mistress Doll?

DOLL
Because your smallest arrows fly farthest.  Ah, you little hard-favour’d villain, but sweet villain, I love thee because thou’t draw a’ my side; hang the rogue that will not fight for a woman.

CAPTAIN
Ud’s blood!  And hang him for worse than a rogue that will slash and cut for an ‘oman, if she be a whore.

DOLL
Pree the good Captain Jenkins, teach me to speak some Welch.  Methinks a Welshman’s tongue is the neatest tongue.

CAPTAIN
As any tongue in the ‘orld, unless cra ma crees, [“Love of my heart”] that’s Erse.

DOLL
How do you say, “I love you with all my heart?”

CAPTAIN
Mi cara whee, en hellon. [“I love you with all my heart”]

DOLL
Mi cara whee, en hell-hound!

CAPTAIN
Hell-hound!  O, mondu!  [“Oh, my god!”] Mi cara whee, en hellon.

DOLL
O, mi cara whee, en hellon!

CAPTAIN
Oh, and you went to writing school twenty score year in Wales, by Sesu, you cannot have better utterance for Welch.

DOLL
Come tit me, come tat me, come throw a kiss at me, how is that?

CAPTAIN
By Gad, I know not what your “tit mes,” and “tat mes” are, but mee uatha [“I shout it!”].  ‘Sblood, I know not what your kisses be, as well as I know a Welsh hook, if you will go down with Shropshire carriers, you shall have Welsh enough in your pellies forty weeks.

DOLL
Say, Captain, that I should follow your colours into your country, how shall I fare thee?

CAPTAIN
Fare?  By Sesu!  O, there is the most abominable seer and wider silver pots to drink in, and softer peds to lie upon and do our necessary pusiness, and fairer houses, and parks, and holes for conies, and more money, besides toasted seese and buttermilk in North Wales diggon.  Besides, harps, and Welch frieze, and goats, and cowheels, and metheglin.  Oh, it may be set in the kernicles.  Will you march thither?

DOLL
Not with your Shropshire carriers, captain.

CAPTAIN
Will you go with Captain Jenkins, and see his cousin Maddoc upon Jenkin there, and I’ll run headlongs by and by, and barter away money for a new coach to jolt you in.

DOLL
Bestow your coach upon me, and two young white mares, and you shall see how I’ll ride.

CAPTAIN
Will you?  By all the leeks that are worn on Saint Davy’s Day, I will buy not only a coach, with four wheels, but also a white mare and a stone horse too, because they shall traw you.  How now, more tailors?                    [Offers to exitMeets PHILIP.

PHILIP
How sir, tailors?

DOLL
O, good captain, ‘tis my cousin.

Enter LEVERPOOL at another door.

 CAPTAIN
Is he?  I will, cousin you then sir, too, one day.

PHILIP
I hope, sir, then, to cozen you too.

CAPTAIN
By Gad, I hobe so.  Fare well, Sidanien.                                              [Exit.

LEVERPOOL
Here’s both money and sugar.

DOLL
O, sweet villain, set it up.              [Exit LEVERPOOL, and enter presently.

PHILIP
‘Sfoot, what tame swaggerer was this I met, Doll?

DOLL
A captain, a captain.  But has ‘scap’d the Dunkirks, honest Philip?  Philip ryals are not more welcome.  Did thy father pay the shot?

PHILIP
He pay’d that shot, and then shot pistolets into my pockets.  Hark, wench, chink, chink makes the punk wanton and the bawd to wink.                                                     [Capers.

CHARTLEY
O, rare music!

LEVERPOOL
Heavenly consort, better than old moons!

PHILIP
Buy why?  Why, Doll, go these two like beadles in blue, ha?

DOLL
There’s a moral in that.  Flea off your skins, you precious cannibals.  Oh that the Welsh captain were here again, and a drum with him, I could march now, ran, tan, tan, tara, tara, ran, ran, tan, tan!  Sirrah Philip, has thy father any plate in’s house?

PHILIP
Enough to set up a goldsmith’s shop.

DOLL
Canst not borrow some of it?  We shall have guests to-morrow or next day, and I would serve the hungry rag-a-muffins in plate, though ‘twere none of my own.

PHILIP
I shall hardly borrow it of him but I could get one of mine aunts to beat the bush for me, and she might get the bird.

DOLL
Why, pree thee, let me be one of thine aunts, and do it for me then.  As I’m virtuous and a gentlewoman, I’ll restore.

PHILIP
Say no more, ‘tis done.

DOLL
What manner of man is thy father?  ‘Sfoot, I’d fain see the witty monkey because thou sayst he’s a poet.  I’ll tell thee what I’ll do:  Leverpool or Chartley, shall like my gentleman usher go to him and say such a lady sends for him about a sonnet or an epitaph for he child that died at nurse, or for some device about a masque or so.  If he comes you shall stand in a corner and see in what state I’ll bear myself.  He does not know me, nor my lodging?

PHILIP
No, no.

DOLL
Is’t a match, sirs?  Shalls be merry with him and his muse?

OMNES
Agreed.  Any scaffold to execute knavery upon.

DOLL
I’ll send then my vant-currer presently; in the meantime, march after the captain, scoundrels. Come, hold me up.
Look how Sabrina sunk i’th’ River Severn,
So will we four be drunk i’th’ ship wreck tavern.                                               [Exeunt.

Proceed to the next scene

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

%d bloggers like this: