2 Honest Whore – Act 4, Scene 3

Return to previous scene

Enter MATHEO, ORLANDO, and LODOVICO.

 MATHEO
Let who will come, my noble chevalier, I can but play the kind host, and bid ‘em welcome

LODOVICO
We’ll trouble your house, Matheo, but as Dutchmen do in taverns: drink, be merry, and be gone.

ORLANDO
[Aside.] Indeed, if you be right Dutchmen, if you fall to drinking, you must be gone.

MATHEO
The worst is, my wife is not at home.  But we’ll fly home, my generous knight, for all that.  There’s no music when a woman is in the consort.

ORLANDO
[Aside.] No, for she’s like a pair of virginals; always with jacks in her tail.

 Enter ASTOLFO, CAROLO, BERALDO, and FONTINELL.

 LODOVICO
See, the covey is sprung.

OMNES
Save you, gallants.

MATHEO
Happily encounter’d, sweet bloods.

LODOVICO
Gentlemen, you all know Signior Candido, the linen draper, he that’s more patient then a brown baker, upon the day when he heats his oven, and has forty scolds about him.

OMNES
Yes, we know of him.  What of him?

LODOVICO
Would it not be a good fit of mirth to make a piece of English cloth of him, and to stretch him on the tenters, till the threads of his own natural humour crack by making him drink healths, tobacco, dance, sing bawdy songs, or to run any bias according as we think food to cast him?

CAROLO
‘Twere a morris dance worth the seeing.

ASTOLFO
But the old fox is so crafty, we shall hardly hunt him out of his den.

MATHEO
To that train I ha’ given fire already, and the hook to draw him hither, is to see certain pieces of lawn, which I told him I have to sell, and indeed have such.  Fetch them down, Pacheco.

ORLANDO
Yes, sir.  I’m your water-spaniel, and will fetch any thing; but I’ll fetch one dish of meat anon shall turn your stomach, and that’s a constable.                              [Exit.

 Enter BOTS ushering MISTRESS HORSELEECH.

 OMNES
How now?  How now?

CAROLO
What gally-foist is this?

LODOVICO
Peace, two dishes of stew’d prunes, a bawd and a pander.  My worthy Lieutenant Bots, why now I see th’art a man of thy word.  Welcome, welcome, Mistress Horseleech.  Pray, gentlemen, salute the reverent matron.

MISTRESS HORSELEECH
Thanks to all your worships.

LODOVICO
I had a drawer send in wine too; did none come along with thee, grannam, but the lieutenant?

MISTRESS HORSELEECH
None came along with me but Bots, if it like your worship.

BOTS
Who the pox should come along with you but Bots?

 Enter two Vintners.

 OMNES
Oh brave!  March fair.

LODOVICO
Are you come?  That’s well.

MATHEO
Here’s ordnance able to sack a city.

FIRST VINTNER
Imprimis, a pottle of Greek wine, a pottle of Peter-sameene, a pottle of Charnico, and a pottle of Leatica.

LODOVICO
Y’are paid?

SECOND VINTNER
Yes, sir.                                                                                                  [Exeunt Vintners.

MATHEO
So shall some of us be anon I fear.

BOTS
Here’s a hot day towards, but zounds, this is the life out of which a soldier sucks sweetness.  When this artillery goes off roundly, some must drop to the ground.  Cannon, demi-cannon, saker, and basilisk.

LODOVICO
Give fire, lieutenant.

BOTS
So, so.  Must I venture first upon the breach?  To you all, gallants.  Bots sets upon you all.

OMNES
It’s hard, Bots, if we pepper not you, as well as you pepper us.

 Enter CANDIDO.

 LODOVICO
My noble linen draper!  Some wine!  Welcome, old lad.

MATHEO
Y’are welcome, signior.

CANDIDO
These lawns, sir?

MATHEO
Presently, my man is gone for them.  We ha’ rigged a fleet, you see here, to sail about the world.

CANDIDO
A dangerous voyage, sailing in such ships.

BOTS
There’s no casting over board yet.

LODOVICO
Because you are an old lady, I will have you be acquainted with this grave citizen.  Pray, bestow your lips upon him, and bid him welcome.

MISTRESS HORSELEECH
Any citizen shall be most welcome to me.  I have used to buy ware at your shop.

CANDIDO
It may be so, good madam.

MISTRESS HORSELEECH
Your prentices know my dealings well.  I trust your good wife be in good case.  If it please you, bear her a token from my lips, by word of mouth.

CANDIDO
I pray, no more, forsooth.  ‘Tis very well, indeed, I love no sweet meats.  Sh’as a breath stinks worse then fifty polecats. [Aside to LODIVICO.] Sir, a word; is she a lady?

LODOVICO
A woman of a good house, and an ancient.  She’s a bawd.

CANDIDO
A bawd?  Sir, I’ll steal hence, and see your lawns some other time.

MATHEO
Steal out of such company?  Pacheco my man is but gone for ‘em.  Lieutenant Bots, drink to this worthy old fellow, and teach him to fly high.

OMNES
Swagger, and make him do’t on his knees.

CANDIDO
How, Bots?  Now bless me, what do I with Bots?  No wine in sooth, no wine, good Master Bots.

BOTS
Gray-beard, goat’s pizzle.  ‘Tis a health.  Have this in your guts, or this, there.  I will sing a bawdy song, sir, because your verjuice face is melancholy, to make liquor go down glib.  Will you fall on your maribones and pledge this health?  ‘Tis to my mistress, a whore.

CANDIDO
Here’s ratsbane upon ratsbane.  Master Bots, I pray, sir, pardon me.  You are a soldier, press me not to this service.  I am old, and shoot not in such pot-guns.

BOTS
Cap, I’ll teach you.

CANDIDO
To drink healths is to drink sickness.  Gentlemen, pray rescue me.

BOTS
Zounds! who dare?

OMNES
We shall ha’ stabbing then?

CANDIDO
I ha’ reckonings to cast up, good Master Bots.

BOTS
This will make you cast ‘em up better.

LODOVICO
Why does you hand shake so?

CANDIDO
The palsy, signiors, dances in my blood.

BOTS
Pipe with a pox, sir, then, or I’ll make your blood dance.

CANDIDO
Hold, hold, good Master Bots, I drink.                                           [On his knees.

OMNES
To whom?

CANDIDO
To the old countess there.

MISTRESS HORSELEECH
To me, old boy?  This is he that never drunk wine.  Once again, to’t.

CANDIDO
With much ado the poison is got down,
Though I can scarce get up.  Never before
Drank I a whore’s health, nor will never more.

 Enter ORLANDO with lawns.

 MATHEO
Hast been at gallows?

ORLANDO
Yes, sir, for I make account to suffer to day.

MATHEO
Look, signior, here the commodity.

CANDIDO
Your price?

MATHEO
Thus.

CANDIDO
No, too dear.  Thus.

MATHEO
No.  Oh fie!  You must fly hither.  Yet take ‘em home, trifles shall not make us quarrel.  We’ll agree, you shall have them, and a pennyworth.  I’ll fetch money at your shop.

CANDIDO
Be it so, good signior, send me going.

MATHEO
Going?  A deep bowl of wine for Signior Candido.

ORLANDO
He would be going.

CANDIDO
I’ll rather stay, then go so.  Stop your bowl.

 Enter Constable and Billmen.

 LODOVICO
How now?

BOTS
Is’t Shrove-Tuesday, that these ghosts walk?

MATHEO
What’s your business, sir?

CONSTABLE
From the duke.  You are the men we look for, signior.  I have warrant here from the duke to apprehend you upon felony for robbing two peddlers.  I charge you i’th’ duke’s name go quickly.

MATHEO
Is the wind turn’d?  Well, this is that old wolf, my father-in-law.  Seek out your mistress, sirrah.

ORLANDO
Yes sir. [Aside.] As shafts by piecing are made strong,
So shall thy life be straightened by this wrong.                                                     [Exit.

OMNES
In troth, we are sorry.

MATHEO
Brave men must be cross’d.  Pish!  It’s but fortune’s dice roving against me.  Come, sir, pray use me like a gentleman, let me not be carried through the streets like a pageant.

CONSTABLE
If these gentlemen please, you shall go along with them.

OMNES
Be’t so, come.

CONSTABLE
What are you, sir?

BOTS
I, sir?  Sometimes a figure, sometimes a cipher, as the state has occasion tocast up her accounts.  I’m a soldier.

CONSTABLE
Your name is Bots, is’t not?

BOTS
Bots is my name, Bots is known to this company.

CONSTABLE
I know you are, sir.  What’s she?

BOTS
A gentlewoman, my mother.

CONSTABLE
Take ‘em both along.

BOTS
Me, sir?

BILLMEN
Aye, sir.

CONSTABLE
If he swagger, raise the street.

BOTS
Gentlemen, gentlemen, whither will you drag us?

LODOVICO
To the garden house.  Bots, are we even with you?

CONSTABLE
To Bridewell with ‘em.

 BOTS
You will answer this.

[Exeunt Billmen with MATHEO, BOTS, and MISTRESS HORSELEECH.

 CONSTABLE
Better than a challenge, I have warrant for my work, sir.

LODOVICO
We’ll go before.

CONSTABLE
Pray, do.

[Exeunt LODOVICO, CAROLO, ASTOLFO, BERALDO, and FONTINELL.

Who, Signior Candido?  A citizen of your degree
Consorted thus, and revelling in such a house?

CANDIDO

What house, I pray?

CONSTABLE
Lewd, and defamed.

CANDIDO
Is’t so?  Thanks, sir, I’m gone.

CONSTABLE
What have you there?

CANDIDO
Lawns which I brought, sir, of the gentleman
That keeps the house.

CONSTABLE
And I have warrant here,
To search for such stol’n ware.  These lawns are stolen.

CANDIDO
Indeed!

CONSTABLE
So he’s the thief, you the receiver?
I’m sorry for this chance, I must commit you.

CANDIDO
Me sir?  For what?

CONSTABLE
These goods are found upon you,
And you must answer’t.

CANDIDO
Must I so?

CONSTABLE
Most certain.

CANDIDO
I’ll send for bail.

CONSTABLE
I dare not, yet because
You are a citizen of worth, you shall not
Be made a pointing stock, but without guard
Pass only with myself.

CANDIDO
To Bridewell too?

CONSTABLE
No remedy.

CANDIDO
Yes, patience, being not mad,
They had me once to bedlam, now I’m drawn
To Bridewell, loving no whores.

CONSTABLE
You will buy lawn?                                                                                                  [Exeunt.

Proceed to the next scene

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

%d bloggers like this: