2 Honest Whore – Act 3, Scene 3

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Enter at one door LODOVICO and CAROLO; at another BOTS,
and MISTRESS HORSELEECH.  CANDIDO and his Wife
 appear in the shop.

 LODOVICO
Hist, hist, Lieutenant Bots, how dost, man?

CAROLO
Wither are you ambling, Madam Horseleech?

MISTRESS HORSELEECH
About worldly profit, sir.  How do your worships?

BOTS
We want tools, gentlemen, to furnish the trade.  They wear out all day and night.  They wear out till no mettle be left in their back.  We hear of two or three new wenches are come up with a carrier, and your old goshawk here is flying at them.

LODOVICO
And faith, what flesh have you at home?

MISTRESS HORSELEECH
Ordinary dishes, by my troth, sweet men.  There’s few good i’th’ city.  I am as well furnish’d as any, and though I say it, as well custom’d.

BOTS
We have meats of all sorts of dressing.  We have stew’d meat for your Frenchman, pretty light picking meat for your Italian, and hat which is rotten roasted for Don Spaniardo.

LODOVICO
A pox on’t!

BOTS
We have poulterers ware for your sweet bloods, as dove, chicken, duck, teal, woodcock, and so forth, and butcher’s meat for the citizen, yet muttons fall very bad this year.

LODOVICO
Stay, is not that my patient linen draper yonder?  And my fine young smug mistress, his wife?

CAROLO
Sirrah Grannam, I’ll give thee for thy fee twenty crowns, if you canst but procure me the wearing of yon velvet cap.

MISTRESS HORSELEECH
You’d wear another thing besides the cap.  Y’are a wag.

BOTS
Twenty crowns?  We’ll share, and I’ll be you pulley to draw her on.

LODOVICO
Do’t presently.  We’ll ha’ some sport.

MISTRESS HORSELEECH
Wheel you about, sweet men.  Do you see, I’ll cheapen wares of the man, whilst Bots is doing with his wife.

LODOVICO
To’t.  If we come into the shot to do you grace, we’ll call you, madam.

BOTS
Pox a your old face.  Give it the badge of all scurvy faces, a mask.

CANDIDO
What is’t you lack, gentlewoman?  Cambric or lawns or fine hollands?  Pray, draw near, I can sell you a penny-worth.

BOTS
Some cambric for my old lady.

CANDIDO
Cambric?  You shall, the purest thread in Milan.

LODOVICO & CAROLO
Save you, Signior Candido.

LODOVICO
How does my noble master?  How my fair mistress?

CANDIDO
My worshipful good servant.
View it well, for ‘tis both fine and even.

CAROLO
Cry you mercy, madam, though mask’d, I thought it should be you by your man.  Pray, signior, show her the best, for she commonly deals for good ware.

CANDIDO
Then this shall fit her, this is for your ladyship.

BOTS
A word, I pray.  There is a waiting gentlewoman of my ladies.  Her name is Ruyna, says she’s your kinswoman, and that you should be one of her aunts.

BRIDE
One of her aunt!  Troth, sir, I know her not.

BOTS

If it please you to bestow the poor labour of your legs at any time, I will be your convoy thither?

BRIDE
I am a snail, sir.  Seldom leave my house.  If’t please her to visit me, she shall be welcome.

BOTS
Do you hear?  The naked truth is, my lady hath a young knight, her son, who  loves you.  Y’are made, if you lay hold upon’t.  This jewel he sends you.

BRIDE
Sir, I return his love and jewel with scorn.  Let go my hand, or I shall call my husband.  You are an arrant knave.                                                                          [Exit.

 LODOVICO
What, will she do?

BOTS
Do?  They shall all do if Bots sets upon them once.  She was as if she had profess’d the trade.  Squeamish at first, at last I showed her this jewel, said a knight sent it her.

LODOVICO
Is’t gold and right stones?

BOTS
Copper, copper.  I go a-fishing with these baits.  She nibbled, but would not swallow the hook, because the cunger-head her husband was by.  But she bids the gentleman name any afternoon and she’ll meet him at her garden house, which I know.

LODOVICO
Is this no lie now?

BOTS
Damn me if—

LODOVICO
Oh, prithee, stay thee.

BOTS
The twenty crowns, sir.

LODOVICO
Before he has his work done?  But on my knightly word, he shall pay’t thee.

 Enter ASTOLPHO, BERALDO, FONTINELL, and BRYAN.

 ASTOLPHO
I thought thou hadst been gone into thine own company.

BRYAN
No, faat, la.  I cannot go dis four or tree days.

BERALDO
Look there, yonder’s the shop, and that’s the man himself.

FONTINELL
Thou shalt but cheapen and do as we told thee, to put a jest upon him, to abuse his patience.

BRYAN
I’faat, I doubt my pate shall be knocked, but sa crees sa’ me, for your shakes, I will run to any linen draper in hell, come preddy.

OMNES
Save you, gallants!

LODOVICO & CAROLO
Oh, well met!

CANDIDO
You’ll give me no more, you say?  I cannot take it.

MISTRESS HORSELEECH
Truly, I’ll give no more.

CANDIDO
It must not fetch it.  What would you have, sweet gentlemen?

ASTOLFO
Nay, here’s the customer.                [Exeunt BOTS and MISTRESS HORSELEECH.

LODOVICO
The garden-house, you say?  We’ll boult out your rogery.

CANDIDO
I will but lay these parcels by—my men
Are all at customhouse unloading wares.
If cambric you would deal in, there’s the best.
All Milan cannot sample it.

LODOVICO
Do you hear?  One, two, three.  S’foot, there came in four gallants.  Sure your wife is slipp’d up, and the fourth man I hold my life, is grafting your warden tree.

CANDIDO
Ha, ha, ha!  You gentlemen are full of jest.
If she be up, she’s gone some wares to show.
I have above as good wares as below.

LODOVICO
Have you so?  Nay then—

CANDIDO
Now, gentlemen, is’t cambrics?

BRYAN
I predee now, let me have de best wares.

CANDIDO
What’s that he says, pray, gentlemen?

LODOVICO
Marry, he says we are like to have the best wars.

CANDIDO
The best wars?  All are bad, yet wars do good,
And like to surgeons, let sick kingdom’s blood.

BRYAN
Faat, a devil pratest tow so, a pox on dee!  I predee, let me see some hollen, to make linen shirts, for fear my body be lousy.

CANDIDO
Indeed, I understand no word he speaks.

CAROLO
Marry, he says, that at the siege in Holland there was much bawdry used among the soldiers, though they were lousy.

CANDIDO
It may be so, that’s likely, true indeed.
In every garden, sir, does grow that weed.

BRYAN
Pox on de gardens, and de weeds, and de fool’s cap dere, and de clouts!  Hear?  Dost make a hobby-horse of me?

OMNES
Oh fie!  He has torn the cambric.

CANDIDO
‘Tis no matter.

ASTOLFO
It frets me to the soul.

CANDIDO
So dost not me.
My customers do oft for remnants call.
These are two remnants now, no loss at all.
But let me tell you, were my servants here
It would ha’ cost more.  Thank you, gentlemen,
I use you well, play know my shop again.                                             [Exit.

OMNES
Ha, ha, ha!  Come, come, let’s go, let’s go.                                       [Exeunt.

Proceed to the next scene

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